Visions and Restoration

So this post is about restoration...

It started with a book Zechariah is reading and started telling me what he was reading in it. At first I thought it was just a book for him and we'd be able to share what he got out out of it. Then he started talking about the mountain and how hard of a journey the character Much- Afraid has to get to the high places. Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and my ears were wide open. This is often times what I felt about my journey.

In the book "Hinds' Feet on High Places" Much- Afraid is accompanied with sorrow and suffering through much of her journey to the high places. On her way she is also able to speak with the Good Shepherd who is an allegory of Jesus. What struck me this morning was when they talked about Much-Afraid going though the low place to get to the high places being the mountain. Originally I intended to share visions God has given me to relate but after listening to a sermon from Valleybrook Church about a love that restores I knew the meaning was much more!

In order for Much- Afraid to get to the high places she had to pass through the low places first. In my life I had to climb over the mountain of abuse and pass by the sea of loneliness. My story is marked with abuse and loneliness. In order to get to where I am now I had to go through the rough stuff first. The physical wounds heal a lot faster then the emotional wounds left on an abused heart. There's the potential for this to backfire on me as I write this by negative feedback made by my dad but my intent is only to share a part of my journey with you. 

When Zechariah was describing Much-Afraid's journey the vision I immediately saw was a maze and myself trying desperately to try to find the way out. That maze was my story. I always thought I was getting somewhere only to discover I hit another dead end. After sometime hitting dead ends I just about gave up fighting my way out until one day I saw a white light lighting my path. I took one look back at the maze and walked toward the light. I believe that maze represents my life without Christ. It also represents me without knowing the love that is in Jesus Christ. I'm not even sure what I looked like back then now but I can't imagine it was pretty. I know I was angry almost all of the time, I know I was desperate to do things on my own, I know I relied on my own understanding and called that "good enough." That all changed when I saw the light.

I'm going to be transparent and say that it took me until about last year to learn who I am, who's I am, and most importantly my purpose. Life is so much different now! I still am in a maze but this time with no dead ends and God is right there with me guiding me through every step of the way!! I couldn't imagine life without him!! Being in the low places of my life has really helped me to appreciate the high places he has me moving towards now!

Back to the light in the maze for a brief moment. When I saw that light I finally felt I had a sense of direction. I finally could see the path laid out for me. I'm going to equate this too the decision I had to make back in 2012. In the moment I finally agreed with God's plan did I feel a goodness to me. Before then I always saw and thought the worst about myself. I mean really bad thoughts I wouldn't really even accept someone complimenting me and definitely not seeing me. I was ok being invisible and to just fade into the background. Yeah I acted did some plays and forensics in school but I never felt my worth in any of it. I didn't really see what I contributed to anything I did.

It was when I discovered who's I was that I started to understand. He doesn't see me the way I've always seen myself! He sees me as a daughter and a princess and calls me Nala! God is my restorer! He took me as I was and made something beautiful come out. He's still shaping me still molding me but always gently and lovingly showing me who he is and how much he loves me. I understand now that the journey I took I had to in order to be where he wanted me to be for the people I was supposed to know and love now.

The sea of loneliness leads me to share another vision. One day at NCU during chapel I was worshiping and all of a sudden my feet felt cold and I opened my eyes but God told me to close them. I did and that cold feeling came back only this time I saw it was water. I asked God what that water was and he told me the "River of Life." I felt it rush through my whole body and I never felt so much peace! It was so real but supernatural all at the same time! I no longer have to be alone. God has filled me with his living water! Being his daughter is such a priveledge and honor but not I'm not just walking with God for me but for Nathan.

Babies are tough work any parent will tell you that. Especially when they're wailing while feeding its tough to keep it together. That moment happened today. I just wanted to be left alone and unstress so I had Zechariah take Nathan for a bit. He laid him down for a nap and we ate lunch. While we were eating lunch we were listening to the sermon. When I heard Pastor Doug preach about a love that restores immediately I saw Nathan when he was first born and his beautiful blue eyes looking at me. I settled just like that knowing no matter what God would always restore my love for him. I love my boy so much I can't even begin to explain it but I know there will be times I'll need God to restore that in me. I'm so happy that we have a God that loves us so much to restore us, restore our love for him and others he brings into our lives!

A song by Carrie Underwood that I feel applies here is "Starts with goodbye" She talks about letting go of some things she's loved to get to the other side. That's what we all have to do at one point or another in our lives. We have to let go of situations, places, sometimes people that are holding us back from God's best. The reward however is so much greater knowing you're following the desire of God's will for you. I know the road to my high places will be challenging and that's how it's meant to be however I also know that focusing on the right direction for me Jesus's face is all I need to keep going and win the race set before me. I pray the same for you! I pray you can overcome the mountains in your life! I pray we together can see our restored selves and embrace them as Jesus so quickly wishes to!! Let's take these mountains on together!

All my love
Tina Martina Putney

Another birthday, Another year to make memories

So now that my birthday has come and gone I get to reflect on 28 years! Wow life is truly an adventure!! You guys read the blog about mine and Zechariah's earlier days in our relationship. To be at this point in such a small amount of time is amazing to me!!

We're parents!!! We have the cutest and sweetest little guy to raise in the way he should go at home!! It's such a joy to finally be a mommy even with the spit up!! Yesterday all three of us took a "family nap" I'm telling you those are the moments I live for!! Being cuddled up close with my favorite boys there's nothing better!!! We went out for lunch watched moms night out I had youth group and went to applebees for half of appetizers!!

If you would have told me a year ago this is what life would look like now I wouldn't have believed you. It's to fun to hang out with my best friend and son all day long. Hopefully Zechariah will be going back to work soon but for now I'm enjoying the season of having him home!! I've come to love the teamwork we've been able to share. I also enjoy the quiet moments that I have to myself. In these moments I can truly reflect on and think about where God has brought me!

From WI to MN from single to married from married to parents all in a matter of two years!!! God is really a magnificent story teller!! To think I could have made different choices that would have made everything look totally different now. We've all been there stayed in an unhealthy relationship to long, drug on an unhealthy friendship, believed a lie about yourself that you claim to be fact, stayed in a season to long resisting change. I'm no different I still catch myself every now and then resisting change or healing just because of instability. I need to know what to expect. Dear friends and family of mine will be able to tell you I like surprises but at the same time I want to figure out what's going on. It makes our house interesting :)

What I have come to realize last night as I was talking to Zechariah is that we are all in the exact spot God wants to be in that moment. We are all in the exact season God has us in. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything. When you read that scripture you see how true it is no matter what you believe about destiny, fate or predetermined destiny. It's just a fact of life there is a time for everything! I believe this is my time to plant, heal, embrace, gather stones, build, and love.

Being a new mom I get to now plant so to speak my family where it blooms. We get to create a new legacy for our baby Nathan that wouldn't have been possible in any other time of our lives. Heal from a long journey of lonliness, being replaced, distant family, I get to heal from unmet needs and expectations. It's not going to be a pain free journey but it's going to be freeing to let it all go now and pick up my new life. Embrace the season I'm in. I'm a mom from here on out no matter what I will always have someone to protect, pray over, for and with, take care of, teach, and love unconditionally, most important I have a disciple at home to teach about who Jesus is and how he loves us!!Gather stones instead of living a path of destruction I get to put the pieces together and create a masterpiece! Build up my family, friends, youth God puts on my heart, myself even, we all get a chance to become who we're meant to be. This is my time to pour into all God places on my heart to love, encourage, lead, love, see, hear, live life with. Lastly but most importantly love. No more anger and bitterness I can let go of that and pick up love now. I know that I am to love and be loved. Can there be a better time to put this into practice then with a newborn baby at home yearning for it?

I've been through alot of seasons in my life but this by far is my favorite one!! I'm seeing myself in ways I never thought I would. It's been a long hard journey to get here but my trust in God has grown so much as it needed to!! I love being a wife and mother but my favorite is being God's daughter!! I love him so much and I'm going to embrace the season he has me in because to not be content would be me saying "I love you but this just isn't good enough." How could I possibly say that to my daddy who has made me feel always good enough?? I'm going to embrace what God has for me because it's so special. He didn't have to give me the life he did but I'm so glad he chose to. This is my story this is my song praising my savior all the day long are words from blessed assurance. I'm assured that I am right where God wants and needs me to be.

Let me leave you with this question: What season or time or you in?

Love you
Tina Martina Putney

One month with my son!!

It's incredible to me that a month ago I finally got to hold my baby boy in my arms! On August 4th 2014 Nathan Michael Putney entered our world! Words can't describe how I feel about him and how much I love watching him grow!! He's quite the big guy too he's already about 12 pounds!! Just a month ago I was dealing with the worst pain I've ever felt and now 1 month later I'm able to write out my thoughts.

This month has been crazy! From peace to chaos it seems to have turned overnight. Both Zechariah and I have gotten little sleep in these past four weeks.  The thing I love about us is that we are determined to focus on each other no matter what new season we're in. Zechariah is always doing his best to search out my heart and what I'm feeling. There are days that will feel like you can't do anything right. Yesturday was one of those days for me.

After a stressful 3 weeks I finally opened up and what happened afterwards was beautiful! We have a wall decoration on our bookcase that says family holds the key to your heart. Zechariah is usually always able to tell how I'm doing and know when I need to talk, take a walk, be with a friend, take care of my sons needs. The stress of this past month is trying to find our "new normal." We know having a baby changes everything.

At a church house Zechariah and I go to on Tuesday nights we were prophesied over and Nathan too! He was supposed to bring us together not drive us apart. It's felt like what Gods wanted for us was being attacked by the enemy and not until yesturday did we actually see that prophecy fulfilled. We're back to the marriage God established! We're working as a team again! It's beautiful and I love my husband more dearly now! Yesturday a friend of ours was over and Zechariah had Nathan in his arms and was just walking him around our kitchen telling him what everything was. It was the cutest thing!

Watching my husband be a father is a beautiful thing! He says the same for me! We love each other and our son! We're a family and we cherish that! Our newborn pictures I think do a great job of showing this! Well with a week old baby we went to a camp in Wisconsin (yup the three of us).

You're probably going "are you nuts" at this point! We love to travel and want to get Nathan accustomed to it also. During the earlier part of this summer God put going back to camp on my heart. I knew I was going to be having a newborn soon so I didn't know how that would be possible but God kept bringing camp back to me. So August 10-15 we were in Wisconsin. Zechariah and I weren't staying together over night. He stayed at a house with guys and I stayed with missionaries and Nathan. Some nights I was crying because of a very unhappy baby boy but I also learned the most important lesson that week which I'd like to share with you. No matter what never give up.

Breastfeeding is hard and I was just about to give up but my breastfeeding mentor encouraged me. I kept at it and found that towards the end of the week it got easier. I also recognized that I got a lot more calm and so did Nathan! There were nights I didn't know how I was going to make it through but we made it. Once I understood that I was never going to give up it became easier to keep going. Just like in the delivery room I had a job to do and I was going to finish it! My son needed me to not give up for many reasons but mainly to show him that we never give up!

Another lesson I learned is community is vital to a fulfilled life! Camp was amazing and it's filled with great people it was a joy to come back a second year! I already asked Zechariah if we could consider coming back another year as a family! Taking a week old baby to Wisconsin is crazy but God was showing me the importance of community! Life is never supposed to be done alone. I was expecting to be taking care of Nathan myself as Zechariah goes to work. What actually happened was that God was showing us the need to be together and be around community now. Not one part of this have I done alone. The beautiful thing is now I don't want to!

Zechariah will be going to work soon but we'll still be focusing on our teamwork. When God brings you a partner you don't get to be alone! Even if he's not going to be home all the time he'll still be helping with taking care of our boy! I couldn't imagine doing this any other way! I love working as a team with my husband it helps life to feel balanced when everything else around us may not be!

As we continue this journey of parenthood please keep praying for our teamwork and communication. We don't want 3 voices in our conversations when it's just us two talking. Community is vital to your life it has become essential in ours!! Our church family has blessed us like crazy during this season and we are so grateful for all their help! I'm praying you can find yourselves in beautiful community as well!!

Thank you to all who've helped,supported and loved on our family during this time! We love you and are praying for you!

Tina Martina Putney