There are moments that are etched in my mind and heart forever. I don't have pictures or videos of these moments but occasionally they play in my mind when I'm sleeping or just thinking about my son. One of these moments are when it was just us three in the hospital.
I was in my husbands arms and our baby boy was sleeping in the hospital bassinet. I remember like it was yesterday. It was quiet and I was thinking how can it get any better then this? Another moment is when we brought him home and he was sleeping in his pack-n-play. He started stirring trying to wake up. It was so comforting to me when he communicated his needs even that early. I was so scared about SIDS then. Sometimes I still miss hearing him wake up in our room. Another moment is rocking him to sleep.
We had a 2 am wake up recently those are not common at our home. Nathan has been sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old! Between full diaper, teething, and waking up in the dark he decided it was time to wake me up. Normally I would do everything to get him to go back to sleep to get him to stop crying but this morning I used a different approach.
I found the Love Dare for Parents and I know my son probably wont be able to comprehend half of what I'm supposed to do but I feel there's no better time then now to show him his value so hopefully he'll feel it for all his life. At the same time it's amazing how much this little guy has picked up in his short life already! He doesn't want to be left out of anything! He fights sleep just so he won't miss out on any play or family time! He's not even nine months and he's trying to walk! With how much he is learning about his world everyday I want him to know he is and feel safe.
So I grabbed the teething tablets, picked him up out his crib, and held him close and just calmly and softly talked to him and told him he was safe. I kissed him and sang to him. I keep telling Zechariah this but I will never understand the power of motherhood. How a crying/screaming infant can just quiet down almost immediately when they go to mama's arms I'll never be able to explain. There's such a beauty to being a mother that all the dirty diapers, runny noses, teething, tantrums, become worth it when they stop fighting and just let go and drop back to sleep. When they feel safe enough and they need nothing more and are content just to rest in your arms. It's so awesome when you run through the "mom checklist" diaper changed, fed, changed clothes if needed,too cold, too hot, hurting, sleepy and you get it right. Of course a few seconds after I put him back in his crib he popped back up and started crying but a few tries later I got him in the crib and back to sleep without needing to feed him.
That may not sound like a lot but I've never had a midnight feeding that didn't require the feeding. He was secure enough to go back to sleep without needing to be comforted to sleep with milk. I think that's awesome! This week at our Early Childhood Family Education class Nathan crawled to the other side of the room like he always does to go play with toys, other babies and climb up to other parents! He's not afraid of anyone! Our facilitator told us to wait and see how long it took for him to look back to "check-in" with me and Zechariah, he didn't! He kept playing and just focused on his toys! In the smallest way he was communicating he was safe and secure in his environment.
This is a beautiful thing to me! My son feels safe in his family and environment! He doesn't have to live in the fear and hurt that I did growing up. God not only changed the landscape of my life, he changed the landscape of my son's too! I want my son to have a beautiful story. It would break my heart if he would have to say that he learned what he shouldn't do. I'm learning so much about being a mom everyday. Everyday is a new day! He's learning more about his world everyday and the most important lesson I want him to learn is he's loved and valued.
The most beautiful thing though that I've realized is though I'm supposed to be teaching him Nathan is really teaching me. He is teaching me patience, love that I could never have dreamed of, faith, hope, endurance, how to never give up. No matter how hard things get no matter what struggle we'll go through I will never give up! I will never stop trying to show him how thankful I am for him, that he's made me such a better person in every single way. I know it's hard to raise pretty much a mirror of you but the greatest reward is seeing God take what you are and making you into what he wants you to be. I'm finally accepting God's plan for my life in regards to family.
So as I'm learning how to be a mother I'm also learning how to be a daughter. I finally can say that I accept my spiritual father as the father God has brought into my life to be the father he chose for me. I've called him dad for over two years now but it wasn't until recently that I finally stopped fighting and just let go. I learned to rest in my Daddy's arms while he gently brought me to the man that not only walked me down the aisle but welcomed our son as his grandson. He opened up my heart in ways I never knew could or believed could happen. Sometimes the family we're born into make our lives more difficult but God can bring out his perfect plan regardless. Do you see how beautiful this is? A mother is to teach her child but the child ends up teaching her, all the while the mother is learning to be a child.
We're never too old to learn how to be a child. In fact we can't enter Heaven unless we come like a child. As a parent I need to be a child so much more! There's days I feel like no one can understand how I feel my dad will call on those days. God knows exactly what I need and you and exactly how to make sure you receive it. He gave me a dad a husband and a son that I love to no end. He loves us that much! He wishes for us to receive every blessing he has for us but we have to become like children humble and willing to give up our plan for our life and dream with God. I don't know how I could have ever lived anyway else.
Being a mom is the most beautiful painful challenging thing I've ever experienced but I'm so thankful for this journey of motherhood. I'll never understand the power of it. It's the most real and supernatural love I've ever known. I know that however closer I feel I'm getting to understand how to love Nathan God has infinite wisdom to show me how to more. He provides what we can not. We're not perfect but God doesn't make mistakes when he gives our children their mothers. The only time a mom ever stops being a mom is when you give up. I know what's at stake if I give up so that is not an option.
When you feel run down, tired, worn out, overwhelmed, stressed, broken, wounded, battered, anxious, fearful, done, angry, discouraged I know it's tough to want to do anything but there's so much blessing coming to you if you don't give up! Never give up! There's so many people that need you. I pray you can find out your worth in the Father's eyes as you look into the eyes of your children. I pray that His love pours into you and you can joyfully pour it into them!
Praying for you mothers who are fighting the good fight everyday for your family!
May you know how cherished and treasured you are!
Love you
Tina Martina Putney