A battle no one can see...

Is the physical world or spiritual world more real to you? For me it has always been the spiritual world. This may be triggering or frightening and this is not my intention at all. My hope is that you learn how to honor a mental health survivor and their battle! Take a trip with me into my mind for a day. Let me show you what I go through in hopes you will come to see the real battle I face and have faced all of my life!

First you need to know that you can't help or cure me! My mental health is all in my mind! Every hallucination is in my mind but it is so powerful that it seems to manifest in the physical world! Let me share some stories with you. When I was growing up in Greenfield one night I was sitting in my kitchen in the dark (not sure why?) and I saw a very awful looking dark spirit or figure climb out of my basement and looked straight at me with a mocking smile. It was as if he was trying to say I want you to live in fear of going to your basement alone. And that was the exact result. I needed to turn the lights on every room of my house before I would ever go in a hallway or bathroom or the kitchen and especially the basement! You see that figure was mentally there but it was so powerful it was if I saw him in my home. To say I was frightened is a true understatement!! I lived terrified of the dark and in some ways still am. Here's a more recent hallucination.

Last night I was washing dishes and my wonderful hubby was trying to say something to me in the kitchen. Before he came to speak though I saw a black figure and then all of a sudden Zechariah spoke and I jumped so high and so quick that I stopped washing dishes all together and just took a few really deep breaths. You see I know it was my hubby behind me the whole time but in the state I have been in and with my new diagnosis it was as if I was being attacked by a spirit! I just got diagnosed with manic depression this week. Part if this illness symptom are hallucinations. Think it's safe to say I fit the criteria. So why do I share this?

I want to show you what mental health looks like for me. I want you to understand that you can see me one day really really excited and then I'll crash big time! You can hear my voice traveling a mile a minute and the next time I say no more then two words. Before I enter a new environment the first thing I have to do is look around and scope out the place. I do this every time I work. I walk in the doors and look around the store to gauge how busy it is and what my most likely task will be. I can't just clock in and be told what to do I have to scan the store and see how busy it is to know where I'll be most helpful. It's just what I have to do. It may not make sense but to me if I don't know what to expect I get pulled back into depression and anxiety really really fast! I also see a lot of visions. It's the most clear way God speaks to me.

This morning while washing left over dishes I saw a dam and Jesus was pushing hard back the water that were threatening to break it. The water is Satan's lies. He is vicious and will not sleep. Probably why I have had such a terrible time getting to sleep most of my life is because I have always feared a spirit or Satan himself to manifest in my home and attack me. I can't really watch exorcism movies and can't see the demons face because I will not be able to let go of that image easily! This part is PTSD but the hallucinations is all manic depression. I just found out about it this week! Who knows how long I have dealt with both of these illnesses. The truth shall set you free! So as I uncovered the diagnosis and have gotten back on sleep medicine I know attacks are going to be constant, triggers are going to flare, hubby and I will be at odds end, the kiddos will be stressful. Satan is a vicious foe that plots constantly how to kill steal and destroy. Do you want to hear something incredible?? Remember my vision about the dam? Who was holding back the lies? That's right! Jesus! Jesus has always been there holding back the dam, calming the storm, plucking out the lies, sitting on the rock, dancing with me in worship, in my kiddos laugh, in my hubby's smile!

As vicious of a foe Satan is he is also a defeated one! I can't wait to see what Jesus is calling us to and the fight be over for my mental health but for now I will go to the one that holds back the dam!

Have I honored the mental health survivor's story? Have I given you a glimpse into my mind? Have I explained how manic depression affects me? Have I told you also who holds back the dam? Jesus only Jesus friends!!!

I love you with all of my heart!

Instead of saying I will pray with this blog post I will actually do it!!

Daddy,
I love you too! We are forever grateful for your presence and guidance in our lives! We thank you that you hold back the dam and storms of our lives! We love your presence God! We love worshiping in your temple! We love to see your radiant face and are encouraged by your word! Protect our families Lord may they feel you embrace them even now! Keep us all seeking after you first and your righteousness! Grant us safe passing into your kingdom Jesus! Thank you for reconciling us to the Father!! In Jesus name Amen!

A True Fast

Have you ever participated in a fast? I never really understood the significance nor could I really participate in a fast being a pregnant or breastfeeding mama, needing to stay on my medications, and needing nourishment to sustain my energy to keep up with my firstborn. Every year I start off the year with a 40 day sugar fast with my dear friend Wendy Speake! It begins in January conveniently after the holidays, and ends right around Valentine's Day! Year after year the stories that come from this experience is truly incredible! 

Marriages are healed, depression is released, strongholds are broken, women find salvation. Each year we donate to a charity as community and we watch God provide abundantly throughout these 40 days! There is a Facebook group specifically designed for our fasting community! It's so wonderful to have so many women that are trying to heal and transform with you! There is also a book that Wendy Speake wrote that goes alongside the fast. 40-Day Sugar Fast: Where Physical Detox Meets Spiritual Transformation.  It dives deeper into scripture and is a perfect resource during these 40 days. We start with a chapter a day  that go deeper into what we are learning and experiencing together. With each day we lean into God's word as we crowd out the sugar from our bodies. We give Jesus control over not only our physical health but our spiritual as well. The link if you would like to look into it!  https://amzn.to/2Sr9euD

Isaiah 58 lays it out beautifully! Fasting isn't about us! It's about Him and His people! It's taking our eyes off ourselves and putting the focus back on God and His desires! Look at what it says from verse 6, to loose the chains of injustice, and untie the chords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free. Isaiah 58:6 To set the oppressed free. This was written in a time where there was a lot of oppression going on! A fast then becomes a right to be set free from anything that hinders your relationship with the One True King! He alone holds the power of the fast! I was walking around with little baby Joshua one morning singing Nothing but the blood of Jesus. The lyrics are so powerful. What Can wash away my sin? Nothing but the Blood of Jesus What can make me whole again? Nothing but the Blood of Jesus! Sing it with me! Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow no other fount I know Nothing but the Blood of Jesus! 

During a 40 day sugar fast I am singing about who can make me whole again! Scripture says we lack no good thing so I am not craving food I am craving more of Jesus! I am fasting for my kiddos to know and love Jesus! I am fasting for Jesus to uphold my marriage, parenting, church, job, and coaching practice. I'm fasting for Jesus to fill every crack that has ever been made in my story! I am fasting and praying for you also! 

What are you really longing for? Are you really longing for physical food or spiritual? Are you self medicating with a glass of wine or bowl of ice cream after a hard day? Are you seeking status and acceptance with family and friends through social networking, online shopping or through your relationships? What happens every year is we find out we are all really longing for Jesus! We come to the point where nothing else will satisfy but Jesus! Half way through the fast we have more self control over sugar and a much more closer walk with God! Some for the very first time allow the Father access their heart! 

This fast is not easy and somedays we may slip but we have a very faithful God who ALWAYS shows us His faithfulness! No matter what we show up with he shows up with grace and mercy. We have been running from him for so long and this fast allows us the opportunity to stop and course correct. We focus our gaze on true North and let the compass point to home. As we fast together we feast together! We come to view God as not just a task master but a loving and forgiving Father who only wants to capture our hearts and invite us into an eternal relationship with him. 

He pulled me out of abuse and explosive anger when He brought me to Him the first time and He reminds me everyday that he still does! Even if I don't open my bible, don't get to the bible study, haven't had my "sugar fast time" God still enacts his plan for my life. He does for you also! Even if there is no evidence of God working in your life I promise you he still is. This 40 day sugar fast has been powerful in my life! I love starting my year off with this community! I hope you will join us! Find us on Facebook @ 40 Day Sugar fast private group. You can sign up for it here https://www.wendyspeake.com/sugar


This fast can be a source of freedom if we follow the course. Freedom plain and simple, freedom from a dark past, freedom from apathy, freedom from weight, freedom from fear, freedom from depression and anxiety, freedom from abiding by unhealthy patterns, freedom to see other's needs above our own. God is fighting daily for you and me to live free. I feel this fast is a huge part of that! It doesn't end at 40 days trust me it can become a daily experience! 

What about you? What does a fast mean to you? What do you need to be free from? What can you give up in order to pursue Jesus more! I encourage you to spend some time with Jesus and his word and ask Him anything he already knows what you need! More importantly He is the ONLY way you will overcome! I want so much for this year to be a year of freedom for you! Let the True King teach you and quiet you with his love! He has given me so much peace I know he can and will do the same for you if you allow him to come. 

I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney

What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the Blood of Jesus!

40-Day Sugar Fast: Where Spiritual Detox Meets Spiritual Transformation by Wendy Speake 

https://amzn.to/2Sr9euD