The Cowboy in me

Wierd title right? You're a girl you may be saying. It's ok it'll all make sense soon (hopefully)

If you see what Zechariah has been listening to on spotify it might surprise you. For work he can't listen to Christian music so he listens to country. However the playlist he made was really for me or that's what it ended up being when I started adding all the songs I liked! One song though in particular resignates with me. Before I listened to Christian music I listened to country alot! I loved and still do the older Tim McGraw stuff, like the 90's songs like my best friend, she's my kinds rain and the cowboy in me. After a vision I recieved this morning I felt I needed to listen to it.

When you get past the country part it's actually a beautiful song. He talks about the urge to run the restlessness the heart of stone he sometimes gets I'll spare you all the lyrics but encourage you to listen sometime! So last Sunday I shared my testimony at church (March 8th). To my complete surprise people are still thanking me for sharing! I threw away the testimony paper as soon as we got home. I thought ok I did it now I'm done it's all over. Silly right? You're never really done with what you experienced in life or are experiencing. But the cowboy in me wants to just move on and forget.

I don't like to admit it but if I can be honest I'm not all that great at loving people God brings me. Without him I would be downright terrible! I'm so glad I don't have to try and figure out how to do anything on my own. So he gave me a vision of my heart this morning. I've been kind of angry lately and not the greatest company and I didn't really understand why until this morning.

I saw my heart but I also saw gaping wholes. It wasn't complete. I didn't want to admit it but going through my testimony showed me there's just wholes that are still there. Old wounds that never had the chance to mend. I also learned that I could still grieve over my past. I literally thought I had no right to grieve over something that happened so long ago. What God has been showing me is that those pieces of my heart will never be filled with anyone or anything but Him. I try and eat food I like, that doesn't help, try and talk to my husband about what I'm feeling, that only helps so much then I get mad again. I actually just sat and let God just hold me and say it was ok to grieve.

The cowboy in me says I don't have time for grief life is going on and I have to go along with it. What happened though is my heart turned to stone over the last few weeks. It's been hard to really let my husband who is such a wonderful support in because I didn't trust God with it. Listening to Tim McGraw just describe me so perfectly in that song helped me understand why it's hard sometimes for me to feel and display love. The inner cowboy in me says I have to stay strong and not fall apart. The cowboy in me doesn't admit the gaping wholes in my heart and that they still hurt. The cowboy in me just thinks and says oh well I guess that's just how it is.

God's not ok with that and in fact breaks the cowboy in me by showing me what I'm running from. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to adequately express with verbal communication what I can through writing but I'm usually thinking deep about things hence why I love my hubby so much! I found someone to talk deep with!! He's seen the cowboy in me and what I look like when God's working on my heart. Thank you honey for always standing by me through the good and bad times of me healing. I love you!

It's ok to grieve, you're not crazy, to emotional, you're hurting and that's ok. Praise God if you're not hurting in anyway but the more accurate reality is we're all hurting or waiting on or about something. Grieving is actually a beautiful thing. The cowboy in you will tell you that's not true you have to be strong. God says grieving makes you stronger! It's ok that we don't love perfect all the time in fact it's pretty much always expected. We're human and can only love with our human selves but when we go to God and ask him to show us his love that's when our just enough becomes great! We can't do it by ourselves. We would get offended way to easily and destroy all the relationships God wants us to retain for growth, friendship, accountability etc.

The cowboy in me doesn't see God's handiwork in all the relationships in my life. I'm not saying that I won't ever let that cowboy out at times I'm sure I will. What's most important to me now is that I see God's work in my life. If I can see it I can believe in it and trust that he'll find a way through anything I find to difficult to do on my own. I know scripture says we walk by faith not by sight but lets face it that's really hard! So I'm asking God to show more and more of himself in my life and he faithfully answers. I love having a God that's not only my Daddy but friend, and delights in giving me the desires of my heart!

We all have a little cowboy in us, we all have a little bit of a rough exterior trying so hard to guard a sensetive interior. We can totally guard our hearts and we should certainly, but I'm seeing the need to let God do the fighting for me. Instead of me fighting everyone and everything around me that wants to get close I let God slowly open me up a layer at a time. The cowboy in me gives way to the daughter in me. I want to be loved just like everyone else. And that's ok.

Love you
Tina Martina Putney