I'll ever be enough... And Jesus always is!

I did something tonight that I wish I had done long ago in my mothering journey, I took some "mommy time" The verse that keeps coming to mind is about Jesus being the vine and we are the branches. Over the course of this week this has become so true. Tonight I began a book I am excited to get a hold of soon it's from Brook McGlothlin the Co-founder of Million Praying Moms. 

So our little family has expanded recently and being a mother of two is quite the challenge! At any moment either of my boys are sharing how unhappy they are about something in very loud ways! Having a newborn again is medicating to my heart! I love all the baby snuggles and times I'm able to help little Joshua through hiccups, sing him to sleep, rock him, see his beautiful eyes look up at me! There's nothing like seeing a new life right before your eyes! Often times I just catch myself thinking I'm so happy for a second chance at being a boy mom.

So this book I am reading is the Gospel Centered Mom. What does it mean to be Gospel centered? I can't give you the theological definition but what I feel for myself is that it means living as if the gospel really means something to you. If Jesus died for all of my sins and He Did, then how do I live and love like I believe it. No better area to test this out then in motherhood. Can I get an Amen? https://amzn.to/3gEO8ky

When I said I took mommy time I meant I took "Connecting to the Vine time" really. Over my faith walk I feel like God has dropped "downloads" to my spirit. These are the still small voice moments that are far and few between moments in motherhood. Tonight I had to give a time out rather then stew about how angry I was that "it happened again!" I opened up the book and actually for the first time in a while grabbed my bible and read from scripture instead of my phone! I feel like I heard God say do this every time you can and as often as you need meaning in those "I need you Jesus moments" that He will be there. That's what Moses learned as God was sending him to free the Israelite people out of Egypt. In a sense that's what I am learning now.

Doesn't the world kind of seem a little like Egypt? You can't walk down the street or on social media to far and not see some of the enemy at work. I feel like this has been a daily reality in motherhood. Some days are great no tantrums, no hard feedings, everyone seems to be getting along, we are making great memories. The next day it feels like a war zone. Actually this is really not all that different then everyday in my mind with diagnosed PTSD (another blog post maybe...) you know the days I am talking about, before you really are awake you're dealing with a tantrum, baby starts to cry, stress seems to be high, it's almost as if the air is just not there to breathe.

Being able to take a step back has been really helpful to me and tonight I feel like I finally said "Hey God I don't have this, but I know who you are, and who you've been in my life, so I'm coming your way." It wasn't super long but extremely refreshing to sit in the loving arms of Jesus if even just for a moment. This "download" is one I know I was supposed to have received so long ago and I am now in the place emotionally where I can receive it. I want to utilize this method every time and as often as I need. I know that I will never be enough and Jesus always is.

Listen for a second parents out there! We so desperately need Jesus and He waits ever so patiently for us to finally see that. I could have been super angry tonight instead I sensed a nudge to try a different approach. What a beautiful gift it is to have a constant companion, in our darkest moments, is always there. It's easy to miss that and I am really going to be intentional to not miss it. I hope you will too! Don't miss out on your ever present help in Jesus. No burden is to small or big for Him to carry. He loves no matter what, and He delights when we come to him for anything we need!

Praying that you are taking some "Connecting to the Vine time" also!

I love you with all my Heart
Tina Martina Putney

Gospel Centered Mom by Brooke McGlothlin https://amzn.to/3gEO8ky

Looking ahead...

It's really interesting when a show like Gilmore Girls gets you thinking... (Thanks Hayley for introducing it to me!) I'm watching Rory go off to college and of course thinking about what that could look like for our sweet family. Here's what I came up with...

Last night I had our dear friend over and Nathan and I shared our Wednesday night tradition family fort movie night! It's really not a big deal but absolutely my favorite night of the week! We take our two chairs throw a blanket over them turn on our "campfire" (which is really just a tealight candle) I make a bowl of popcorn and Nathan picks the movie we watch. Last night was the "funny horse" AKA "Tangled" As I sat there with my friend and precious son I couldn't think of a better way to spend our evening! I told Nathan it's something I hope that he passes on to his family one day! I'm most happy and creative when I'm around my kiddo. Please do not think I am saying our life is perfect. We have many challenging days but when I see the many beautiful moments we have been able to create together I know I'm right where I need to be!

So as we extend our beautiful little family I hope to really keep up the intentionality between both of our boys! As mama makes her way to our home and lives yet again in just a few days I also hope to include her on some much needed shared precious experiences! I can't wait for our pajama parties, family fort movie nights and all the immeasurable ways she will be able to help me as I raise my boys! This week my son had a full conversation with me on the phone that made me tear up (despite being 37 weeks pregnant :) I can't believe how fast he has grown in just 2 1/2 years! Last year he was just beginning to talk now he can have full conversations! It's truly amazing!

So thinking ahead... we are at the point of looking for preschools. Hard to believe our little baby boy is going to be three years old in August! I actually am looking forward to this change because I know the most important relationship in his life will still be that to him. Nathan and all our kiddos need us forever in different ways and to different extents but that need will always be there! I can't wait to see what this little guy learns and explores and really sets his mind and heart to. I always say he has a mind of his own and he's going to do some damage out in the world.

What I mean is in the vision of his birth God told me he was going to give Nathan the gift of Evangelizer and speak to many about his name. Anyone that has been around our house for nap time or bed time knows we sing him the same song every time "Jesus Loves me" It's the simplest way we can teach him about how much God loves him and someday my prayer is he turns that around and teaches someone else about that same love!

As much as I would love to keep him little I know the reality is that he needs to grow his wings and take off and fly. As hard as it will be to see him go I will never miss a moment that I won't be ecstatic to open up my arms and welcome him back home! I never want to miss a moment to watch him smile as he runs in for a hug, I never want to miss a moment to let him know he is safe, and I never want to miss a moment where he knows I'm safe to call, text, or just be around. The kind of open relationship we are working to establish is not something I know how to do yet I'm learning each and every single day a little bit more!

I'll keep you posted on our exciting journey along the way but for now I am more than happy to be my little guy's home base thanks to Jesus great love for me!

May you be blessed today though it may be rainy outside maybe your heart can have a bit of light shine through. God is so good! God performs amazing miracles in our lives and it's all because he loves us!

May you know you are truly loved, seen, heard and cherished.
I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney    

Seeing the old me

Before I say anything I want to be clear, I am not passing judgement on this mom. I do not know her situation, I don't even know her name all I know is she is the old me.

I took my son to our favorite coffee shop today for some much needed little people time and out of the house time for mama. As the time during our visit progressed I saw a familiar scene. A mom was trying to get her toddler, who didn't look much older than Nathan, to leave. As toddlers do, this little girl was having none of it! Mom was getting super frustrated and slipping into "reactive mom" quickly. All the while, the little girl was just happy as can be, running around the playroom and not following her mom's stern, "Get over here now!"

My heart broke for both the mom and the little girl. Seeing a dynamic like that at such a young age leads me to think about school age, and teenage years, into adulthood. You see, this was the parent I was. I thought my child was just supposed to listen and obey. Children aren't robots they're not designed to just follow our every command. They are so beautifully and wonderfully made. They have such amazing imaginations, kind compassionate hearts, eyes of wonder and awe that you just simply can't help but get lost in!

There will always be days that are harder then others around here yet my biggest and sincere hope for my sons is that they realize that mom is safe and can stay in control. As I say in prayer at times I didn't start well but I want to end well. When my children leave my home I pray that I equipped them for all I humanly could have equipped them for. I know that anything above that is not in my control and know that God will take care of the rest!

For this mom I hope and pray she has support helping her regulate her emotions and for this little girl I pray she is hearing messages of love, grace and encouragement of her character rather then attacks of it. Today was a good day! My son listened really well to me and didn't cause a big stink when we had to leave, or a friend took his toy, even when the poor guy hit his lip on the bench causing it to bleed! Another reason though and for me the best reason was my son kept coming back to me!

If you have been around my son long enough you know he loves to explore! He loves to run and his imagination is something that keeps a lot of joy in this house. He also likes to "check-in" often times you'll hear him calling daddy or me if I am not around, he'll come and show us his toys. My absolute favorite time is when he invites us into his world. We've done some pretty silly things to be in our son's world, but I find it such a fun place to be!

As we are about to welcome our second precious son into our family I pray this doesn't change! We've done a lot of work to get to this point as a family so from real life experience I can confidently say that it does happen! I love seeing my son be able to go out and come back in. I want you to have the tool that I had shown to me almost two years ago! It's called the circle of security and at any point our children are on one part of this circle. Again today was a good day! I believe my son was showing me that he has getting his needs met by exploring and then coming back in when he wanted to be close. It's a beautiful picture of the love we share with our Father God.

He allows us to fail miserably and doesn't say I told you so, just brushes us off and sends us out again. He waits ever so patiently for the moment we come back in! It's like he is this proud parent watching us take our first steps and then something scares us and we run back in. I want to be this for my boys! I want to be home base. I want them to freely explore their world and when they need extra love or assurance I want them to know I am right there to catch them. I won't always be able to be there but in the moments we get to share together while they are young I don't plan on missing an opportunity to.

I'm giving you permission that if you see me struggling to stay calm to look me right in the eyes and tell this mom her three favorite words, "You Got This" Bet you thought it was I love you huh? You got this, so simple but so profound and so necessary to hear. When we have a screaming toddler, cranky baby to grab and it's just us dealing with it all believe me we don't believe we got this. If you were to look at us and tell us you got this I bet that's all we'd need to be able to think of a game plan. It's when we don't feel we go this we give up trying to be stronger wiser kinder. This is my mission to look at a mom I see struggling and tell her the words that every mother needs to hear "You Got This."

Next time you see this all to familiar scene screaming toddler, or complacent school age kid, crabby baby one single mama trying to manage it all I hope you will join me in telling her "You Got This." Think of it as an random act of kindness that will speak volumes to any mama's heart!

So for any mama's reading this right now let me start YOU GOT THIS! I'm so proud of you for all you do to make your children be the beautiful people they are! They may not show you for a while or maybe even ever and you are a big reason that they are the person they are today. Give yourself ample amounts of grace on those hard days and know they will bounce back and so will you. You will try harder the next day and the day after that because mamas don't quit! And most importantly they need you so once more mama YOU GOT THIS!

I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney

circle of security  

When we don't feel...

Often times we'll hear people say I don't feel... (insert your feeling here) I used to also respond in such ways. If I don't feel something then I must not be it. Let's take happy for instance. I used to think if I'm not smiling then I must not be happy and that if I was then I must feel joy. I'm a very emotional person and there will be times I will be crying but really am joyful. When I am in an intimate time of worship and God speaks something to me that only he can most often I'll be smiling on the outside while tears are streaming down my face as I sing. Why does this matter? If you'll forgive me to say I think we base our decisions on what we feel or don't. I feel stressed so I must be stressed, I feel scared so I must be scared. I don't think I can do this so I will give up before I try. Sound familiar? Yeah this was how I lived too for a long time. Then I realized something about emotions I hadn't before.

They are really important guides to our inner world. They tell us that we have an opinion about something but they don't need to dictate our actions. So being a stay at home mom again is about the most challenging role I have to play. There's days honestly I love it more then anything! Like when our son shares the new words, phrases he's learned, sings songs we sing together, watching him play. Then there are days story time is stressful he runs down the hallway at church and I just can't wait to Sing Jesus Loves me to him and shut the door and bid him off to dreamland.

I suffer with a lot of anxiety. What are they going to think if... what I also see is that half of the things I've worried about never happen. My three biggest prayers for my family is that we are happy safe and healthy. Happy doesn't always mean smiling, safe doesn't always mean avoiding another crisis and healthy doesn't always mean the next trip to the er. There are days my son's joy is evident he's laughing and giggling (two sounds I really adore!) Other days he's not as vocal, active, or adventurous but he's still happy. He is loved by his mommy and daddy and to him that's enough. Being safe isn't a life or death type of deal.

We have a roof over our heads and the protection of God and can rest in that! Health is something we never take for granted. We know there are a lot of families out there that are gearing up for the next doctor visit, chemo treatment, surgery, last goodbye or more joyous to think about first hello's as we are in about 2 months with our second son! My point is that these three prayers are being answered in our lives each day even if we don't feel them!

I know it's hard when you have a screaming toddler in your arms to feel happy or sometimes even safe. Yet the truth is you still are. When that little one soothes and lays their head on your shoulders the joy oversees the unhappy thoughts and feelings you just experienced. God is not punishing you if you have a difficult experience with your spouse, parent or child. It's the natural progression of life here after the fall. Life and feelings are divided up in moments we're not always happy, not always sad, not always mad in any given day we feel any one of these and so many more emotions and they are all ok! Just because we feel something it doesn't mean it's always true. Take a look at what 2 Corinthians 6 (MSG) has to say about this.

These guys had every reason to doubt God's love for them and yet they continued on the path he called them to. They poured their hearts into their work regardless of what response they would receive! God is good and He gives Good gifts to His children. He wants our full undivided attention much more then he wants our half-heart devotion. He is still Good even when we can't explain what he's doing in our lives, He still has the control even if our lives look out of control, even if our fairy tale looks nothing like the landscape we imagined it would be.

We're not always going to sing in the rain, or wallow in self-pity or run scared because our perfect sacrifice stood in the same shoes and yet prevailed and did not cower when he could have. In John's gospel account while he is about to be arrested Jesus has the command. He even arranged the meeting place. Anyone of us would have probably run but even in that moment he took command and requested the disciples would be let go. That's power! That is our example of how we face our fears not hiding behind a safe zone but with boldness and power head on! John 18: 1-14

Jesus felt every emotion we feel yet he rose victorious and is calling us to do the same! As we approach this Easter season I pray with renewed strength you will come to see the power in our Savior. It is because of him and He alone I have the strength and overcoming spirit to rise above all of the I feel this or I just don't feel this way days we experience far too often here! Even when I don't feel loved I know I am, when I don't feel safe I know I am, when I don't feel like a mom (those days come) I know I am.

Thank you Jesus for all you give have given and are continually giving to not only our family but prayerfully yours as well!

Love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney

The hole that can't be filled

Have you ever watched the show "This is Us?" on NBC? I totally watch every episode on Hulu. This post may be triggering to some of you and I want you to know I have no intention to bring up anything that will hurt you emotionally. I apologize in advance if this is the result of this post for you.

Let me just state an obvious truth. No one can fill the void of our birth parents. The show has a boy that was adopted at birth. Throughout the show this boy goes through many hard emotions and identity crisis. As we all know eventually he finds out the truth and finds out that his birth parent was hidden from him. Why do I choose to write about this? In a sense it's me and my story.

Mama left me when I was 40 days old, the unknown truth to many is that it wasn't by choice. She didn't have a green card or visa and her marriage to my dad was annulled so she was sent back to Slovenia.  I just want to be clear I'm not writing this to express bitterness to my dad just grief for what I missed.

In one moment an entire life was stripped away from me. I never got to be read to, sung to, held when I fell, hug my mama when she saw me walk down the aisle, and let her hold her grandchildren. The years we missed is a void that no one can fill. I have a beautiful family now yet I still catch myself grieving the relationship with the mom I never had.

The mom in the show tried so hard to be everything her son needed. The truth is that's just not what our well-being can handle. If we know there is a parent out there no matter what you do to show us love and support we'll keep searching until we find them. I think it's because we just want to hear yes you were wanted I just couldn't take care of you, no you aren't a reject, yes it devastated me to give you up and I thought it was best for you. Let me be perfectly clear and honest.

We live with rejection every single day. No matter what life we end up leading there is still a hole in our hearts that no one can fill. We're not trying to be ungrateful and believe me we are the people we are because of all of your love and support. Until we find our birth parents though we will always feel that void. We love you and we also just want to feel that love from the ones that gave us away.

I'm happy to say that when God intervenes the story changes. I met my mama 6 years ago! Communication with her is sparse but I will never ever regret her reaching out to me. I often times think where I would be if I hadn't said yes. The truth is I would still be feeling the void only I would also always wonder what could have been. That's no way to live in my opinion.

My prayer for my family is that their memory of me is that I was there. I was there to read stories, sing songs, teach numbers, colors, shapes, make family traditions and memories they pass onto thier children someday, but most importantly that I changed the course of my family legacy.

Thank you for reading! May God bless you this Christmas season and heal your broken heart!

Love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney

What I want for you...

This is a letter to my son but I am posting it here to give you permission to hold me accountable to this. Many know that our little family went through a tragic season last year. I wrote this May 27, 2016.

My Dearest son,
What I want for you is a life full of God's protection, love, mercy and grace. I want you to know who and who's you are from day 1 to your last. I love you my son and I promise to teach you the most important name you will ever need to know. Even if all you will be able to mutter at times is "Jesus" I want you to be able to comfortably approach his throne no matter what. Life sure looks a lot different now.

Watching you play in the bath tonight was so touching you are a happy boy! We got through a very hard season as a family and when more tough seasons come we'll still get through them as a family. We love you sweet baby boy! No matter what you'll always have my heart.

Before you were born a man told me "I can do boys" I always thought I would be more of a "mommy's girl" kind of mom. Then I saw you in a vision and I knew that I couldn't wait for my "mamas boy!" You are everything God showed me in that vision. The undeniable joy and blessing you bring into our lives is evident. Stay the charming and sweet boy you are baby! I will and have been praying for you as much as I can. Days go by where I don't get to praying (working on getting better at this) but not one will ever pass that you are not in my thoughts and heart.

I love you baby blue eyes

Your forever grateful mama

My heart

"It's not fair!" We use this for many reasons justified or not it's kind of a universal belief in our world. You want to know what I think is unfair? Satan stealing God's precious ones! Our youth are constantly bombarded with messages from the evil realm saying they're not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, valuable enough, smart enough, old enough. Well guess what Satan got some news for you you don't win! God is going to have the final victory and I can't wait!!!

My heart beats and bleeds for the youth. I didn't know this until I was given the privilege to be a youth group leader. I was at a much different stage of my life and not skilled in life that I didn't lead the way I would now. I was told by a youth pastor that not a lot of people are called to the youth in fact most people want nothing to do with middle and high school students. That's just not me!

I can't wait to spend time with our youth! I love the energy they bring! I love getting their help and perspective, I love spending time with my family and youth hanging out! I call them my kids! God carved out my heart for my own kid/s and many many others! You know who you are but know this from the bottom of my heart any youth that I have ever worked with I'm still praying for and with you! I expect great things from you!

So I don't find it remotely fair when such beautiful children are starving, getting hurt, shot at, forced into prostitution, being sold drugs and alcohol. There's a much higher calling for the youth then that! God is calling all youth and their elders in the last days to unite as one! That's just what I am going to focus my attention on! I want every single youth that comes into my path to feel the love of God so much that maybe that encounter leads them to make the right decision.

Ultimately I want as many of our youth rising up for Jesus! I want to see a move of God in our schools, churches, work places, homes, community, and (large scale) world. We so desperately need the youth to rise and those that will lead their effort and be advocates and their voice. Here's a thought, if they are on this Earth then they have a God appointed destiny to fulfill. Don't let anyone stop that!

I once thought youth are just rebellious and don't care what I say. Then I met some that changed my view of youth forever! What I realized just like all of us that the youth just want someone to show them they are loved. I don't think there is a single person that can say they don't want love, or are loved to much they don't need anymore. If you ever hear that you are dealing with a hurting heart. I want to share a vision that is just now coming to pass!

4 years ago I lost a job at a daycare center when I still lived in Wisconsin. The day that happened I saw a vision of me with the youth. I thought I was a youth director but God this week showed me a different role! In the vision my husband and I trade off the baby and I spend the rest of the night with the youth. I didn't know I wanted to work with youth until this vision and ever since I just couldn't wait to. So Zechariah and I have a really exciting opportunity for ministry!

With both our hearts geared and centered toward the youth we are feeling led to provide a safe haven to the youth of North Minneapolis. (Don't worry it's not going to be our house it's too small). We are starting to poke around the area for a coffeehouse that we will remake into a youth hangout! We want to offer both food and entertainment! Right now we are switching off with care for Nathan. I work every other weekend Zechariah is working the other. This confirmed the vision of me trading the baby off to my husband. (Also that I would be married!)

As soon as Zechariah told me about this I felt immense peace and excitement and instantly remembered that vision! God is going to bring this to pass!! Much more important than bringing a vision to pass is the safety and potential life change for the youth!! I can't wait to see what God does!!

At this point we are asking for your prayers! We want to follow God's perfect timing and leading! If he builds it they will come!! If you know of anyplace that would be helpful for this adventure please let us know!! We are so honored and excited to be chosen for this great task and mission! I also always wanted to find a place my kids could grow with I couldn't think of a better opportunity for Nathan to see what church does outside of the church walls! We want to be light in our community and we feel North Minneapolis is in dire need of it! Thank you for all that support our effort! We can't wait to partner with you! I'll keep you posted on our progress! For now I want to share some songs that I feel are a perfect reason to begin this difficult task.

We love you with all our heart!
Tina Martina Putney

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gSugruC1jQ
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-g4uwQlXKw
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8