I recently went to a celebration where the person didn't feel celebrated. It was really hard to watch. If there was ever a time I would have wanted to be around to see it would be when the Ark of the Covenant entered the City of David! There was such celebration, dancing, music, shouts, I can just it now! There's just one problem the reverence of the Lord was still being missed! Not even on this joyous occasion was the item of celebration truly celebrated. That's the last day of this week's study but a whole lot has happened this week I'd like to share.
Sunday God prompted me to write an email to my dad. I didn't know why I was writing it I just obediently wrote it. I got a response on Monday. It wasn't pleasant. I must have not communicated my intent somehow but what came back to me was not what I was expecting. I waited until my hubby Zechariah came home because I did not want to read the email alone and sit with the response all day which I would do so many times before. What I read devastated me, my dad completely missed the point of my email and once again my heart was rejected. There's never been a more painful relationship in my life!! Tuesday I posted on facebook a status that recieved a comment from our family friend. We arranged to talk on Tuesday night at nine.
Tuesday night I was at Communitas with baby boy and after I left I called our family friend. I prayed for insight to my dad that I didn't know so I could understand him more. What I heard shocked me! My dad misses me!! For 3 years we have barely communicated and when we have it hasn't been pleasant. But to actually hear that he misses me was a complete shock!! To be honest I miss him too! I hope you read this post dad because every word is right from my heart to yours! I love you!
See I love my dad so much he's a great guy, he provided for me, gave me a roof to sleep under, sacrificed a lot, miss our jokes, miss his laugh, so miss seeing him smile, but what I don't miss is the hurtful communication. Now you're probably thinking maybe you shouldn't be writing this on the internet and share this personally with your dad but what I want people to understand is you can show love to people who have hurt you. You can miss them even! What you don't need to do though is believe everything they say about you! I have heard so many hurtful things from this man but I love him so deeply that the pain I've endured only makes me want to love him more! Thursday is a day that I don't think I'll ever forget! I think that's when the "dam finally broke" so to speak.
I was supposed to go to the park with a very good friend of mine from womans bible study but we cancelled because of rain. I didn't want to stay home while I had the car so we went to the zoo after lunch. I didn't know if we were going to waste enough time (although no day with my son is a waste!!) before we had to pick up Zechariah from work. As I was leaving Como zoo I just started praying to God about how thankful I was about our wonderful time at the zoo! I started thanking him for my beautiful son and how precious he was. Then I started thinking about my wedding day and how beautiful it was and for the first time how beautiful I was. That's when it hit me.
All my life I never felt or heard that I was beautiful. Before I get fire thrown at me for this I want to say this, I often would get told ways I could improve my appearance and all I wanted was to be accepted for who I was not what I looked like would that be fair to say? Would many of you agree that you'd like to be accepted for you not what you look like? So realizing that I was beautiful if even for a day was heartbreaking. I can't look in the mirror and say I'm beautiful. This week God has blessed me with many friends who have called me beautiful. To you I say Thank you and I love you! I sobbed more then I have in a very long time. I was to the point of hysteria. When Zechariah got in the car I crouched to fetal position and fell asleep. I just kept saying "Jesus" "Help me to see how I'm beautiful."
I share this very vulnerable moment with you because I think it's so crucial to our walk with God. I literally cried until I couldn't anymore! I want my dad to see me as beautiful not because I want to be prideful about it but because I need to have confidence in myself. I want to say this; dad if you have seen me as beautiful all along then I'm really sorry I didn't pick up on it. But if this post is true then hopefully you now understand how deep those comments about my appearance cut. We have to cry out to God in our anguish because he alone hears our cry!! He certainly heard mine that day! Friday was a great day with God and many revelations were shared.
My good friend invited me to her house for lunch and it was so needed. Baby boy was very very busy and not staying very still but I was able to enjoy my food! He got pretty fussy and was communicating he needed sleep. As I was dealing with baby boy's energy I heard God say to not push and if he wanted a nap let him take it. The moment came at about 12:30 so I made the decision to go back home and get him to sleep. He fell asleep in the stroller!! That small act of obedience was blessed with an afternoon nap for us both and more time with God for me! I thought nothing of what God told me that morning but when the moment presented itself I knew what to do! I'm so thankful God directs and leads me so directly! So this week in my study has been pretty charged.
Saul and his sons die, David takes the throne over Judah, suspicion takes over in leadership but David is calm, David is crowned King of Israel but the last day was the best I think! I got so much comfort by it and perspective into my current situation. The Ark of the Covenant returned to the City of David!
Like I said before there was dancing, singing, shouts of joy, all of Israel was celebrating! With such a joyous occasion nothing could be wrong right? wrong! Uzzah touched the Ark and he died right there! This account makes God seem a bit harsh but he is not in the least! God is not harsh he is Holy! The Ark was supposed to be carried in a chest, but the Israelites transported it the same way the Philistines had before. How sad that not even David himself thought to revere God properly! However the biggest realization came with Michal daughter of Saul.
David expected celebration when he returned home! Look honey I brought the Ark of the Covenant home let's be blessed!!I can almost hear David saying that to Michal. What he met was condemnation and contempt. During a celebration Satan threatened to turn David's joy into bitterness on "rain on his parade" so to speak. David wouldn't let him! David responded much like what I would have wanted to so many times! Now I know that this will be my response because God IS WORTHY to be PRAISED!
This week has been very challenging and very difficult! But I've been eating sleeping and breathing Jesus and it has been so life giving! I pray that when we go through these rough seasons that God is our rock!! The song I Will Not be Moved by Natalie Grant is my theme song as it describes exactly what I feel now. Listen to the truth piercing through these lyrics! They're so beautiful!!
If no one has ever called you beautiful I want to tell you are, if you have never felt celebrated I want to tell you are so immensely so!! If you feel alone and misunderstood I want to tell you Christ is the solid rock on which I stand all other ground is sinking sand and to not be moved!!!
I love you!
Tina Martina Putney
I will not be Moved Natalie Grant
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyEMJBhCtU8
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