As the title suggests this week has been humbling. During this week I learned a lot about life in ways I didn't think I would. The most important lesson I walked away with is life doesn't go the way you plan or expect all the time but it shouldn't take your happiness. Let me paint a picture for you of what I mean.
This week I focused more on what I didn't have then what I did and it took a tole on my attitude big time. I was not very pleasant and pretty isolated. I realized that I was built to help others this week and often times I feel like I'm not able to do that outside of my family. It shouldn't have made me upset with my life but honestly sometimes I just feel empty. I feel like I'm always searching for the next thing. The answers finally came towards the end of the week. If you're willing to, walk through my week with me.
Following last week's train of thoughts about being jealous of my husband about things he has I kind of left myself defenseless so to speak. It was a dry time with God I didn't really spend a lot of alone time with him and rarely prayed. I felt I had a right to be upset with him because his plans weren't exactly what I had in mind for my life. So instead of being honest and letting him know I just kind of "walked away" That's probably the biggest mistake we as believers can make.
We completely leave the enemy room to pour his lies into our hearts and minds. I'm not proud to admit that was the result in my life this week. It ended up being for nothing because God's plans are way better! But in a way the enemy looked bigger I looked and felt weaker and God definitely appeared distant. All along I knew the solution was just waiting for me to recognize Him but I just avoided Him pretty much all together. I grieved when I realized what I was doing.
See when we want something to look a certain way and it doesn't for me it's like a knife to the heart. It feels like my dreams are dashed to pieces and my heart is busted wide open. It's devastating so much that it throws me into boats of isolation. The way I can explain it is I don't understand so I really don't want to understand anyone right now. Can you imagine being a man who wants intimacy with a woman who just wants nothing to do with you or anyone for that matter? Not the greatest version of myself by any means. But then I went to joyful noise with hubby and baby and something in my heart seemed to shift.
Matthew West who's so fun live by the way was talking about his song forgiveness. 11 family members pleaded for a guilty man to be free sooner to live his life, instead of holding on to their grief over the death of their beloved they chose to forgive. Wow! I had a moment where I said if they can forgive like that it's time I "forgive God" of course I am the one that needs the forgiving and grace right? So I started talking to God again suddenly things felt a lot better at home and in myself. A weight was lifted and I know who took it off of me. So about helping people it just so happens God has something in store for me after all!
I'm going to be helping our church's nurse ministry visiting home bound members! I'm really excited for the conversations that can take place during these visits and what God's going to do in my faith as I open myself up to be his hands and feet! While I was looking on one side of the mountain God had blessings pouring down the other! Pray for me as I begin this new adventure and especially that I may be a welcoming presence in these families lives! David is a prayer warrior and I was struck by how much strength he had in his God even through the crazy set of circumstances he was facing.
They were talking about stoning him because they just lost everything wives, children, livestock, homes. An entire village burnt to the ground. But David didn't lose faith. That's so amazing to me that he had that much assurance which I seem so much to lack! David and his men chose not to react out of emotion. Much unlike my choices this past week. But in the end God's promise still stood. David was not stoned and in fact remained his men's leader and gained more loyalty. I think this is a great example of how our victories are never easy. David had to fight a 24 hour nonstop battle with the Amalekites. So how can we expect our battles to be any less difficult or trying? But what really got through to me was at church.
The message was really what I needed to hear. We are the laborers not the architects. The work continues with or without us. God is the one that does the miracles we are his vessels or as my new favorite expression of the Christian walk says: hands and feet. God uses people to perform the blessing. It's all over scripture! In this particular example I would say it's the fact the man were able to come to a reasonable response that was the blessing. It's God's protection but David's men are the vessels. One moment he's threatened to be stoned the next David and his men are pursuing their enemy. A practical story that I can give you in my life is when we had $400 worth of parking tickets!
Newly married and living in Minnesota life was pretty good. I was at a camp in Wisconsin with my bestie and Zechariah was at our apartment for the week alone. We started to accumulate parking tickets because of expired tabs. I bought the tabs before I left but they didn't get mailed to me yet. When I got back to Minnesota I showed them evidence of the purchase and every cent was dropped we didn't pay a cent!! It was God's blessing but he used a person to do it!
In life there will be times of doubt, fear, questions, but one question that doesn't really need to be asked is does God care. I think he answers that question throughout all scripture but mostly in our lives. This week has been humbling and caused me to examine my role as a parent, and spouse quite a bit. I'm so happy to not have it all together and I'm so thankful for God's grace to allow me to walk away but always allow me to come back! I love seeing God's handiwork in my life. I pray the same goes for you!
Thank you for continuing on this journey with me friends and family!
Love you
Tina Martina Putney
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