Ever lived with something you always felt shame over?? That's me ever since two years ago... I had a really big hurdle in my mothering to overcome. Untreated trauma flared up like nothing I could imagine! What many do not know is the second I held my son Nathan in my arms for the first time I audibly heard God say to me "You're going to have to fight to be mama," Wow! talk about uh oh what are you going to have me do moment?
I honestly can not talk about this season of our lives without feeling immense shame and grief. Most likely why I try not to address it to much with others. I'm writing today because I have decided I am kind of done with living in shame! I'm re reading Gospel Centered Mom by Brooke McGlothlin and I am finding freedom in knowing that as a mom who loves her boys more than life itself I am not supposed to get everything right. Jesus made me live this story because I am to NEVER get to a point where I don't need him. So as I reflect on our family story I want to ask you to help me see my story as not a failure but a victory! Invite me to fail but also see how far we have all come! Our life is a miracle, our family life is a miracle!
Two years ago I threatened divorce. I want to relieve any fear of me actually going through with it! I love my hubby! I know that God has us side by side that settles it! I love our family. If you saw how frustrating and heartbreaking home life was like in 2015 though I believe you would understand my want to leave. Like the hubby in Fireproof I just wanted peace and life looked like anything but two years ago! I am amazed at the faithfulness of God to prompt my hubby to choose to fight for our marriage! It is this fight that drives me to stay planted right where I am. Even on the days where I wake up with a bad attitude about something I'm seeing I always go back to two years ago and shudder at the thought.
Often I think about and see my life before my hubby a desolate wasteland. I had good points sure. But my heart was just trampled over and I couldn't tell you I was truly happy until God took everything away from me! My home, my ex, my dad, my job and I literally had nothing left! He stripped all of that away and I didn't understand at the time but now I see it was because he was about to reteach me how to do life! I had no idea that asking for help was ok and just the way God would have me live! When I couldn't look forward I had nowhere to look but up! This has been very much the course of my life.
It wasn't until Zechariah that I realized God was going to have me face the trauma I lived through once and for all. During our engagement we had all out wars over this! Almost broke up before the wedding because of this. See he even wanted to leave ;) Thankfully our Daddy knew exactly where we needed to be that weekend because the best guys in the world stood by our side the whole time and we were hugging and laughing by the end of the weekend! Beautiful isn't it? God really is the master storyteller!! But he was not done with us yet!
Now two years ago still wearing my wedding ring, Nathan sleeping in his room, watching my sweet little angel sleeping (I know not fair! Everyone is sleeping but me!) I couldn't be happier for our story! It has brought me such determination (almost as much as childbirth itself) community, stronger family dynamics, communication about my feelings and triggers that has become so freeing! Not often will I say that I am thankful for our hard season of our lives but for these blessed changes I do have to say I am thankful for it. It made our marriage Fireproof and my mothering change in ways I can never describe! Just watch me with little Joshy you will know what I mean! And that leads me to our little man!
Jesus calls him his sweet little angel because he is the redemption in our story! When I look at that boy I feel my heart melt! Don't get me wrong I love Nathan as much but I think you can understand why my view with Nathan might not be as loving at times. It's a triggering relationship. One I will never give up or stop working on. I'm sure any mom reading this would agree! But little Joshy is the perfection of our family! He's a cuddlebug, he is the happiest baby I know even through teething, he has this intense stare, he focuses and you get to see what he focuses on! In my lullaby I wrote for the boys I wrote that he makes me feel less alone! It's as if he was brought to my life to help me feel God's love! I know children are a blessing but this little one is such a beautiful gift! The funny thing is I was 90% sure we were going to have a girl! So sure I wore a pink sweater to the ultrasound! Seeing my sweet little angel sleeping so peacefully in his cradle though I tear up and smile that I wouldn't want it any other way!!
How about you? What are you living with? What are you hiding from? I promise you the process is not easy, you will want to give up, you will have days where you just need rest but if you will commit to the work of healing you will give yourself and your family the greatest gift! I knew that we were going to go through the hardest season of our lives! I didn't know all the details I didn't know the timeline I just knew I was going to have to fight! Looking back I can honestly say I wouldn't have wanted to do anything differently once our hard season hit. I will never wish what we went through on any other family but let us be the example and hope that Reunification is possible!
If you are a mom who struggles I'm right there with you! I still have hard days where frustration is high and patience is short but repair is essential. I do not want Nathan or Joshy to walk away from our interaction feeling unloved, not cared for, or not valued. May I encourage you to do the same!
If you are a dad reading this and you think it's to late please stop believing that lie!! Kiddos will always want their parents!! It's how God created them!! We are their biggest fans and they are ours! Repent if need be, forgive and move on towards the relationship you desire for you and your child! Please whatever you do do not give up!! From personal experience as a daughter father wounds are sometimes harder to deal with then mother.
May this encourage your heart today!
I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
Here's a poem I found that talks about anxiety may you be blessed as I was!
http://trauma.blog.yorku.ca/2017/10/7712/
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