Have you ever watched the show "This is Us?" on NBC? I totally watch every episode on Hulu. This post may be triggering to some of you and I want you to know I have no intention to bring up anything that will hurt you emotionally. I apologize in advance if this is the result of this post for you.
Let me just state an obvious truth. No one can fill the void of our birth parents. The show has a boy that was adopted at birth. Throughout the show this boy goes through many hard emotions and identity crisis. As we all know eventually he finds out the truth and finds out that his birth parent was hidden from him. Why do I choose to write about this? In a sense it's me and my story.
Mama left me when I was 40 days old, the unknown truth to many is that it wasn't by choice. She didn't have a green card or visa and her marriage to my dad was annulled so she was sent back to Slovenia. I just want to be clear I'm not writing this to express bitterness to my dad just grief for what I missed.
In one moment an entire life was stripped away from me. I never got to be read to, sung to, held when I fell, hug my mama when she saw me walk down the aisle, and let her hold her grandchildren. The years we missed is a void that no one can fill. I have a beautiful family now yet I still catch myself grieving the relationship with the mom I never had.
The mom in the show tried so hard to be everything her son needed. The truth is that's just not what our well-being can handle. If we know there is a parent out there no matter what you do to show us love and support we'll keep searching until we find them. I think it's because we just want to hear yes you were wanted I just couldn't take care of you, no you aren't a reject, yes it devastated me to give you up and I thought it was best for you. Let me be perfectly clear and honest.
We live with rejection every single day. No matter what life we end up leading there is still a hole in our hearts that no one can fill. We're not trying to be ungrateful and believe me we are the people we are because of all of your love and support. Until we find our birth parents though we will always feel that void. We love you and we also just want to feel that love from the ones that gave us away.
I'm happy to say that when God intervenes the story changes. I met my mama 6 years ago! Communication with her is sparse but I will never ever regret her reaching out to me. I often times think where I would be if I hadn't said yes. The truth is I would still be feeling the void only I would also always wonder what could have been. That's no way to live in my opinion.
My prayer for my family is that their memory of me is that I was there. I was there to read stories, sing songs, teach numbers, colors, shapes, make family traditions and memories they pass onto thier children someday, but most importantly that I changed the course of my family legacy.
Thank you for reading! May God bless you this Christmas season and heal your broken heart!
Love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
