Have you ever watched the show "This is Us?" on NBC? I totally watch every episode on Hulu. This post may be triggering to some of you and I want you to know I have no intention to bring up anything that will hurt you emotionally. I apologize in advance if this is the result of this post for you.
Let me just state an obvious truth. No one can fill the void of our birth parents. The show has a boy that was adopted at birth. Throughout the show this boy goes through many hard emotions and identity crisis. As we all know eventually he finds out the truth and finds out that his birth parent was hidden from him. Why do I choose to write about this? In a sense it's me and my story.
Mama left me when I was 40 days old, the unknown truth to many is that it wasn't by choice. She didn't have a green card or visa and her marriage to my dad was annulled so she was sent back to Slovenia. I just want to be clear I'm not writing this to express bitterness to my dad just grief for what I missed.
In one moment an entire life was stripped away from me. I never got to be read to, sung to, held when I fell, hug my mama when she saw me walk down the aisle, and let her hold her grandchildren. The years we missed is a void that no one can fill. I have a beautiful family now yet I still catch myself grieving the relationship with the mom I never had.
The mom in the show tried so hard to be everything her son needed. The truth is that's just not what our well-being can handle. If we know there is a parent out there no matter what you do to show us love and support we'll keep searching until we find them. I think it's because we just want to hear yes you were wanted I just couldn't take care of you, no you aren't a reject, yes it devastated me to give you up and I thought it was best for you. Let me be perfectly clear and honest.
We live with rejection every single day. No matter what life we end up leading there is still a hole in our hearts that no one can fill. We're not trying to be ungrateful and believe me we are the people we are because of all of your love and support. Until we find our birth parents though we will always feel that void. We love you and we also just want to feel that love from the ones that gave us away.
I'm happy to say that when God intervenes the story changes. I met my mama 6 years ago! Communication with her is sparse but I will never ever regret her reaching out to me. I often times think where I would be if I hadn't said yes. The truth is I would still be feeling the void only I would also always wonder what could have been. That's no way to live in my opinion.
My prayer for my family is that their memory of me is that I was there. I was there to read stories, sing songs, teach numbers, colors, shapes, make family traditions and memories they pass onto thier children someday, but most importantly that I changed the course of my family legacy.
Thank you for reading! May God bless you this Christmas season and heal your broken heart!
Love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Saturday, September 24, 2016
What I want for you...
This is a letter to my son but I am posting it here to give you permission to hold me accountable to this. Many know that our little family went through a tragic season last year. I wrote this May 27, 2016.
My Dearest son,
What I want for you is a life full of God's protection, love, mercy and grace. I want you to know who and who's you are from day 1 to your last. I love you my son and I promise to teach you the most important name you will ever need to know. Even if all you will be able to mutter at times is "Jesus" I want you to be able to comfortably approach his throne no matter what. Life sure looks a lot different now.
Watching you play in the bath tonight was so touching you are a happy boy! We got through a very hard season as a family and when more tough seasons come we'll still get through them as a family. We love you sweet baby boy! No matter what you'll always have my heart.
Before you were born a man told me "I can do boys" I always thought I would be more of a "mommy's girl" kind of mom. Then I saw you in a vision and I knew that I couldn't wait for my "mamas boy!" You are everything God showed me in that vision. The undeniable joy and blessing you bring into our lives is evident. Stay the charming and sweet boy you are baby! I will and have been praying for you as much as I can. Days go by where I don't get to praying (working on getting better at this) but not one will ever pass that you are not in my thoughts and heart.
I love you baby blue eyes
Your forever grateful mama
My Dearest son,
What I want for you is a life full of God's protection, love, mercy and grace. I want you to know who and who's you are from day 1 to your last. I love you my son and I promise to teach you the most important name you will ever need to know. Even if all you will be able to mutter at times is "Jesus" I want you to be able to comfortably approach his throne no matter what. Life sure looks a lot different now.
Watching you play in the bath tonight was so touching you are a happy boy! We got through a very hard season as a family and when more tough seasons come we'll still get through them as a family. We love you sweet baby boy! No matter what you'll always have my heart.
Before you were born a man told me "I can do boys" I always thought I would be more of a "mommy's girl" kind of mom. Then I saw you in a vision and I knew that I couldn't wait for my "mamas boy!" You are everything God showed me in that vision. The undeniable joy and blessing you bring into our lives is evident. Stay the charming and sweet boy you are baby! I will and have been praying for you as much as I can. Days go by where I don't get to praying (working on getting better at this) but not one will ever pass that you are not in my thoughts and heart.
I love you baby blue eyes
Your forever grateful mama
Sunday, June 5, 2016
My heart
"It's not fair!" We use this for many reasons justified or not it's kind of a universal belief in our world. You want to know what I think is unfair? Satan stealing God's precious ones! Our youth are constantly bombarded with messages from the evil realm saying they're not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, valuable enough, smart enough, old enough. Well guess what Satan got some news for you you don't win! God is going to have the final victory and I can't wait!!!
My heart beats and bleeds for the youth. I didn't know this until I was given the privilege to be a youth group leader. I was at a much different stage of my life and not skilled in life that I didn't lead the way I would now. I was told by a youth pastor that not a lot of people are called to the youth in fact most people want nothing to do with middle and high school students. That's just not me!
I can't wait to spend time with our youth! I love the energy they bring! I love getting their help and perspective, I love spending time with my family and youth hanging out! I call them my kids! God carved out my heart for my own kid/s and many many others! You know who you are but know this from the bottom of my heart any youth that I have ever worked with I'm still praying for and with you! I expect great things from you!
So I don't find it remotely fair when such beautiful children are starving, getting hurt, shot at, forced into prostitution, being sold drugs and alcohol. There's a much higher calling for the youth then that! God is calling all youth and their elders in the last days to unite as one! That's just what I am going to focus my attention on! I want every single youth that comes into my path to feel the love of God so much that maybe that encounter leads them to make the right decision.
Ultimately I want as many of our youth rising up for Jesus! I want to see a move of God in our schools, churches, work places, homes, community, and (large scale) world. We so desperately need the youth to rise and those that will lead their effort and be advocates and their voice. Here's a thought, if they are on this Earth then they have a God appointed destiny to fulfill. Don't let anyone stop that!
I once thought youth are just rebellious and don't care what I say. Then I met some that changed my view of youth forever! What I realized just like all of us that the youth just want someone to show them they are loved. I don't think there is a single person that can say they don't want love, or are loved to much they don't need anymore. If you ever hear that you are dealing with a hurting heart. I want to share a vision that is just now coming to pass!
4 years ago I lost a job at a daycare center when I still lived in Wisconsin. The day that happened I saw a vision of me with the youth. I thought I was a youth director but God this week showed me a different role! In the vision my husband and I trade off the baby and I spend the rest of the night with the youth. I didn't know I wanted to work with youth until this vision and ever since I just couldn't wait to. So Zechariah and I have a really exciting opportunity for ministry!
With both our hearts geared and centered toward the youth we are feeling led to provide a safe haven to the youth of North Minneapolis. (Don't worry it's not going to be our house it's too small). We are starting to poke around the area for a coffeehouse that we will remake into a youth hangout! We want to offer both food and entertainment! Right now we are switching off with care for Nathan. I work every other weekend Zechariah is working the other. This confirmed the vision of me trading the baby off to my husband. (Also that I would be married!)
As soon as Zechariah told me about this I felt immense peace and excitement and instantly remembered that vision! God is going to bring this to pass!! Much more important than bringing a vision to pass is the safety and potential life change for the youth!! I can't wait to see what God does!!
At this point we are asking for your prayers! We want to follow God's perfect timing and leading! If he builds it they will come!! If you know of anyplace that would be helpful for this adventure please let us know!! We are so honored and excited to be chosen for this great task and mission! I also always wanted to find a place my kids could grow with I couldn't think of a better opportunity for Nathan to see what church does outside of the church walls! We want to be light in our community and we feel North Minneapolis is in dire need of it! Thank you for all that support our effort! We can't wait to partner with you! I'll keep you posted on our progress! For now I want to share some songs that I feel are a perfect reason to begin this difficult task.
We love you with all our heart!
Tina Martina Putney
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gSugruC1jQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-g4uwQlXKw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8
My heart beats and bleeds for the youth. I didn't know this until I was given the privilege to be a youth group leader. I was at a much different stage of my life and not skilled in life that I didn't lead the way I would now. I was told by a youth pastor that not a lot of people are called to the youth in fact most people want nothing to do with middle and high school students. That's just not me!
I can't wait to spend time with our youth! I love the energy they bring! I love getting their help and perspective, I love spending time with my family and youth hanging out! I call them my kids! God carved out my heart for my own kid/s and many many others! You know who you are but know this from the bottom of my heart any youth that I have ever worked with I'm still praying for and with you! I expect great things from you!
So I don't find it remotely fair when such beautiful children are starving, getting hurt, shot at, forced into prostitution, being sold drugs and alcohol. There's a much higher calling for the youth then that! God is calling all youth and their elders in the last days to unite as one! That's just what I am going to focus my attention on! I want every single youth that comes into my path to feel the love of God so much that maybe that encounter leads them to make the right decision.
Ultimately I want as many of our youth rising up for Jesus! I want to see a move of God in our schools, churches, work places, homes, community, and (large scale) world. We so desperately need the youth to rise and those that will lead their effort and be advocates and their voice. Here's a thought, if they are on this Earth then they have a God appointed destiny to fulfill. Don't let anyone stop that!
I once thought youth are just rebellious and don't care what I say. Then I met some that changed my view of youth forever! What I realized just like all of us that the youth just want someone to show them they are loved. I don't think there is a single person that can say they don't want love, or are loved to much they don't need anymore. If you ever hear that you are dealing with a hurting heart. I want to share a vision that is just now coming to pass!
4 years ago I lost a job at a daycare center when I still lived in Wisconsin. The day that happened I saw a vision of me with the youth. I thought I was a youth director but God this week showed me a different role! In the vision my husband and I trade off the baby and I spend the rest of the night with the youth. I didn't know I wanted to work with youth until this vision and ever since I just couldn't wait to. So Zechariah and I have a really exciting opportunity for ministry!
With both our hearts geared and centered toward the youth we are feeling led to provide a safe haven to the youth of North Minneapolis. (Don't worry it's not going to be our house it's too small). We are starting to poke around the area for a coffeehouse that we will remake into a youth hangout! We want to offer both food and entertainment! Right now we are switching off with care for Nathan. I work every other weekend Zechariah is working the other. This confirmed the vision of me trading the baby off to my husband. (Also that I would be married!)
As soon as Zechariah told me about this I felt immense peace and excitement and instantly remembered that vision! God is going to bring this to pass!! Much more important than bringing a vision to pass is the safety and potential life change for the youth!! I can't wait to see what God does!!
At this point we are asking for your prayers! We want to follow God's perfect timing and leading! If he builds it they will come!! If you know of anyplace that would be helpful for this adventure please let us know!! We are so honored and excited to be chosen for this great task and mission! I also always wanted to find a place my kids could grow with I couldn't think of a better opportunity for Nathan to see what church does outside of the church walls! We want to be light in our community and we feel North Minneapolis is in dire need of it! Thank you for all that support our effort! We can't wait to partner with you! I'll keep you posted on our progress! For now I want to share some songs that I feel are a perfect reason to begin this difficult task.
We love you with all our heart!
Tina Martina Putney
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gSugruC1jQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-g4uwQlXKw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
The comission of the family...
I love bible studies! I love to learn more practically how to apply the bible to everyday life. Today I was asked a question that I can't help but blog about! How are parents and children like the gospel? The obvious answers are unlimited love and grace but then I came up with a deeper reason. The family unit provides hope to our hurting culture. Of course the enemy wants none of that so he's going to whatever to destroy it! Just read along and think with me if you would.
We watch movies by Darren Wilson that changed my view on alot of things. In the last movie Holy Ghost reborn a very touching scene is displayed. A Navy Seal (yep a Navy Seal) was attending a retreat where the most hurting go to meet with the Holy Spirit and heal the most broken pieces in a man's life. This guy has the most heartbreaking story this staff has ever seen! What strikes me though as I've watched this scene play out is that he still is hurting over not having his parents around. Aren't men supposed to just be tough? That's what I thought too before we had our beautiful and very affectionate son.
No matter how tough anyone is, the most beautiful realization I had was that every single child is born with a longing for their parents. We all want to gain approval and love from our parents. Even those that say they don't if you listen to what they're not saying long enough you hear the cry in their heart to have someone love them and listen. Why is this beautiful? A lot of people are hurt by thier parents? Because the next generation could see a much different life.
Parents are God's most commissioned population. I truly don't know a higher and more important calling then being a parent. We are to teach someone who has no prior knowledge about right and wrong. Of course we're never going to be able to do it perfectly (ever!) this is why it's so important to walk with God everyday because once little ears and hands are in your care you have a sacred commission by the greatest gift giver Himself! Another reason I find this beautiful is that when we fail our children (and we will and do) there is someone more beautiful and loving then we could ever be to repair rifts and restore our children's love and trust.
Ask anyone their story you'll find a common theme parents either were there and were harmful or weren't at all. No matter how hurt a person is though, they will still love and long for thier parents. I think that's what God meant by honor your mother and father. He knows without Him this is completley impossible. We can release our parents from the heavy burden of loving perfectly because as we clearly see it's just not possible without God. Regardless of your beliefs (I'm not trying to step over them) this is something I believe I could get a resounding Yes to. It's ok also it really is, to want your mom and dad. No matter what the story is you've led I want to share some beautiful news!
Jesus and Our Father in Heaven is here for you anytime you need. I get that it's hard sometimes to feel that, but if you want to hear a pretty awesome God story ask me about how I met my mama. Regardless of what your mom did or didn't do Jesus can restore you to what he planned for you to be all along. He'll use anything dogs, people, books, music, even drugs and alcohol to get full access to your heart! He loves you more then your mother and father could ever understand! Honor them because they have been commissioned by God to love you. Release them from the heavy burden of loving you perfectly.
Sons and Daughters of the Most High God look no further then the cross for the proof of his Love for you. Let this be a blessing to you today. If you are a commissioned saint raising little hands and ears I commend you and encourage you to keep up the good work. You have the highest responsibility I know. If you are a grieving child over a life taken from you. First I want to say my heart goes out to you I feel deeply your surrow. Second I want to say don't give up! God still has a glorious plan for your life! If you are a searching and lost child who needs to know the way home look to the cross! No matter what our parents did or didn't do Jesus paid the ultimate price to win you back for eternity!
I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
We watch movies by Darren Wilson that changed my view on alot of things. In the last movie Holy Ghost reborn a very touching scene is displayed. A Navy Seal (yep a Navy Seal) was attending a retreat where the most hurting go to meet with the Holy Spirit and heal the most broken pieces in a man's life. This guy has the most heartbreaking story this staff has ever seen! What strikes me though as I've watched this scene play out is that he still is hurting over not having his parents around. Aren't men supposed to just be tough? That's what I thought too before we had our beautiful and very affectionate son.
No matter how tough anyone is, the most beautiful realization I had was that every single child is born with a longing for their parents. We all want to gain approval and love from our parents. Even those that say they don't if you listen to what they're not saying long enough you hear the cry in their heart to have someone love them and listen. Why is this beautiful? A lot of people are hurt by thier parents? Because the next generation could see a much different life.
Parents are God's most commissioned population. I truly don't know a higher and more important calling then being a parent. We are to teach someone who has no prior knowledge about right and wrong. Of course we're never going to be able to do it perfectly (ever!) this is why it's so important to walk with God everyday because once little ears and hands are in your care you have a sacred commission by the greatest gift giver Himself! Another reason I find this beautiful is that when we fail our children (and we will and do) there is someone more beautiful and loving then we could ever be to repair rifts and restore our children's love and trust.
Ask anyone their story you'll find a common theme parents either were there and were harmful or weren't at all. No matter how hurt a person is though, they will still love and long for thier parents. I think that's what God meant by honor your mother and father. He knows without Him this is completley impossible. We can release our parents from the heavy burden of loving perfectly because as we clearly see it's just not possible without God. Regardless of your beliefs (I'm not trying to step over them) this is something I believe I could get a resounding Yes to. It's ok also it really is, to want your mom and dad. No matter what the story is you've led I want to share some beautiful news!
Jesus and Our Father in Heaven is here for you anytime you need. I get that it's hard sometimes to feel that, but if you want to hear a pretty awesome God story ask me about how I met my mama. Regardless of what your mom did or didn't do Jesus can restore you to what he planned for you to be all along. He'll use anything dogs, people, books, music, even drugs and alcohol to get full access to your heart! He loves you more then your mother and father could ever understand! Honor them because they have been commissioned by God to love you. Release them from the heavy burden of loving you perfectly.
Sons and Daughters of the Most High God look no further then the cross for the proof of his Love for you. Let this be a blessing to you today. If you are a commissioned saint raising little hands and ears I commend you and encourage you to keep up the good work. You have the highest responsibility I know. If you are a grieving child over a life taken from you. First I want to say my heart goes out to you I feel deeply your surrow. Second I want to say don't give up! God still has a glorious plan for your life! If you are a searching and lost child who needs to know the way home look to the cross! No matter what our parents did or didn't do Jesus paid the ultimate price to win you back for eternity!
I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Favor
Since my hubby was brave enough to share his heart I thought I'd follow his lead! I used to think grace was the coolest characteristic of God. I still do and I also attributed a love and passion for favor. They may look like the same on the surface yet I have experienced a deeper reality of it in my life. Allow me to explain.
Grace is receiving something you don't deserve. The highest gift of course is our salvation, on a much lesser scale there's financial provision, occupational provision, social provision. All these are evidence that God loves us. Favor on the other hand is allowing yourself to take a step back as you receive these blessings and know that God is fighting for you.
My mama has lived with us for a month and a half this time around. We've had such beautiful, challenging, difficult moments that could have only come from God's favor on us. We met 6 years ago. In that time we have made an effort to remain in each others lives. The very fact that we have a relationship as close as we do is totally God's favor. He wants us to be in close relationship. I took my mama to a Slovenian meeting yesterday. It was so beautiful to see and hear her respond to our culture. This was all made possible because of God's favor! She got to be the grandma she's always wanted to be while also becoming the mother she never was allowed to be. Grace is beautiful and I also am growing found of God's favor.
I just got hired for a job that I in retrospect should not have received. Before hand I prayed that God would just be God and do what only he could do. Prayer was answered in a large way! I not only will be working with a population that is my heart and desire I also will be receiving an assistant position leading into summer! My new supervisor told me I had a lot to offer. That a complete stranger could see that in me has God's favor written all over it! One more example of how God's favor has revealed itself to me is through a continued relationship!
Last night at our church we had a huge youth fundraiser called Terrace on Chicago! It's my favorite event to attend because it's all driven by the youth of our church! I am so happy to see them in action all dressed up and serving their church! We really do have spectacular students! I was at work and couldn't attend. One of my youth that we have pretty much adopted as our daughter packed me a dinner. I wasn't even there and she was thinking about me! I was so touched by this beautiful gesture.
Here's the crazy thing about all this. This has become almost "normal" in my life. I've been bestowed with blessings so large from God that sometimes I tear up just thinking about it. See grace is the assurance God loves you and favor is how he Shows it! I'd always say to Zechariah earlier in our marriage "prove it." Over the course of our marriage I would say my husband has done a fabulous job of "proving it" to me. My not so good at planning hubby has become quite the impressive one to think ahead of a different cultural themed date every month! Our marriage has went through a very trying time and we have come out from that a stronger couple and for that I thank God every single day!
Favor is so real in my life that I can listen to other stories and know that is not how God works in everyone's lives. Moms out there struggle everyday and no one knows it. I was that mom. Now I see other moms struggling and I want to give them hope that God does work miracles. He did so miraculously work in my life! I am the mom I always wanted to be! I love deeply and forgive quickly. None of this at all is possible without God's favor.
I plan on sharing God's story in my life for the rest of my life! I plan on giving people hope when there is none right in front of them, I plan on loving the daylights out of my family, I plan on overlooking a person's flaws as God has so clearly overlooked mine, I plan on becoming more and more of God's precious baby girl with each passing breath, I plan on living by the phrase this too shall pass. As I am learning with emotions so are seasons, events, days, moments, they are all temporary. God's favor however is forever! Look at David if you need any more proof! That man had God's complete assurance that his throne would always have an heir. That promise was more than fulfilled through Jesus Christ!
The next time you recieve something you don't deserve I challenge you to think if it was grace or favor. You might be surprised by how active God really is in your life right now. I'm learning how active he is working in my life everyday. I hope and pray that you may join me!
I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
Grace is receiving something you don't deserve. The highest gift of course is our salvation, on a much lesser scale there's financial provision, occupational provision, social provision. All these are evidence that God loves us. Favor on the other hand is allowing yourself to take a step back as you receive these blessings and know that God is fighting for you.
My mama has lived with us for a month and a half this time around. We've had such beautiful, challenging, difficult moments that could have only come from God's favor on us. We met 6 years ago. In that time we have made an effort to remain in each others lives. The very fact that we have a relationship as close as we do is totally God's favor. He wants us to be in close relationship. I took my mama to a Slovenian meeting yesterday. It was so beautiful to see and hear her respond to our culture. This was all made possible because of God's favor! She got to be the grandma she's always wanted to be while also becoming the mother she never was allowed to be. Grace is beautiful and I also am growing found of God's favor.
I just got hired for a job that I in retrospect should not have received. Before hand I prayed that God would just be God and do what only he could do. Prayer was answered in a large way! I not only will be working with a population that is my heart and desire I also will be receiving an assistant position leading into summer! My new supervisor told me I had a lot to offer. That a complete stranger could see that in me has God's favor written all over it! One more example of how God's favor has revealed itself to me is through a continued relationship!
Last night at our church we had a huge youth fundraiser called Terrace on Chicago! It's my favorite event to attend because it's all driven by the youth of our church! I am so happy to see them in action all dressed up and serving their church! We really do have spectacular students! I was at work and couldn't attend. One of my youth that we have pretty much adopted as our daughter packed me a dinner. I wasn't even there and she was thinking about me! I was so touched by this beautiful gesture.
Here's the crazy thing about all this. This has become almost "normal" in my life. I've been bestowed with blessings so large from God that sometimes I tear up just thinking about it. See grace is the assurance God loves you and favor is how he Shows it! I'd always say to Zechariah earlier in our marriage "prove it." Over the course of our marriage I would say my husband has done a fabulous job of "proving it" to me. My not so good at planning hubby has become quite the impressive one to think ahead of a different cultural themed date every month! Our marriage has went through a very trying time and we have come out from that a stronger couple and for that I thank God every single day!
Favor is so real in my life that I can listen to other stories and know that is not how God works in everyone's lives. Moms out there struggle everyday and no one knows it. I was that mom. Now I see other moms struggling and I want to give them hope that God does work miracles. He did so miraculously work in my life! I am the mom I always wanted to be! I love deeply and forgive quickly. None of this at all is possible without God's favor.
I plan on sharing God's story in my life for the rest of my life! I plan on giving people hope when there is none right in front of them, I plan on loving the daylights out of my family, I plan on overlooking a person's flaws as God has so clearly overlooked mine, I plan on becoming more and more of God's precious baby girl with each passing breath, I plan on living by the phrase this too shall pass. As I am learning with emotions so are seasons, events, days, moments, they are all temporary. God's favor however is forever! Look at David if you need any more proof! That man had God's complete assurance that his throne would always have an heir. That promise was more than fulfilled through Jesus Christ!
The next time you recieve something you don't deserve I challenge you to think if it was grace or favor. You might be surprised by how active God really is in your life right now. I'm learning how active he is working in my life everyday. I hope and pray that you may join me!
I love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
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