Between 4 days of teething, a migraine and crying myself to sleep last night I'd say this week was a bit of a roller coaster. In all of the chaos this week I'm learning something eye opening about family. This week I definitely felt at the end of my rope as a friend and I call it hurricane Nathan blew through (proof by the toys everywhere.) Something else I learned though was these little ones still tug at the rope. Even while I'm holding my head and praying to get rest Nathan kept bringing me toys to make sounds for him. It's been an exhausting couple of days. So If you're wondering why you may not have heard from me that's why. I'm just trying to keep it together.
Today's lesson talked about pride. So I have some confessions to make. I don't know how to be a family. I'm to busy trying to keep it all together and figure it out by myself that I get shocked when at the end of the day when all I want is rest I have more demands to fill. It sounds logical that when you have a little one at home that demands would be just about constant. But when you're at the end of your rope the last thing you want is another tug. Some days I feel like I have so many roles to fill that I almost justify my right to be to tired for anything else. Being a mom is really the most exhausting experience I've ever experienced but I can't hide behind that. As goes the saying in show business the show must go on.
I'm not good with stress or anger. These are most likely the cause of my migraines. I felt one coming on yesterday but once I'm stressed I don't know how to calm back down. There's several potential breathing methods I could try and have even going to the chiropractor has helped but once I get really stressed I'm at a loss of what to do. These are my hardest days as a mom. It's these days more then usual that Nathan likes to tug at the end of the rope or I notice it more.
A friend once told me "you're most scared of what you want the most." This is so true for me. I desire a family but I'm scared to have that family, I desire friends but I'm scared to have those friends, I pray my son remembers the good days of his childhood but I'm most afraid of him remembering the blowups I can't forgive myself for. It's a vicious cycle I can't seem to break. The good news in all this is it's not me who has to break the cycle.
I'm probably always going to struggle with these areas in my life but what I'm excited to see is the struggle can become less. Instead of struggling to have a family I can learn to embrace them as much as I can this side of eternity. I'm learning a lot about my perceptions of what a family looks like and in some cases how wrong I've been. Through this bible study I'm learning to see myself and those around me for who they really are. We're all imperfect but God's chosen to show who HE is. When I realized that even when I'm stressed with my toddler son I'm still bringing glory to Him it was overwhelming! See it's Jesus who can break that cycle and He Alone! I believe God used this week to teach me a lesson of dependence.
As much as my son depends on me I need to depend on God that much more. What he showed me this week has been a challenge. The way I see it though is if God reveals it then he has a purpose for it. I'm looking forward to embracing those God has called me to relationship with. I'm going to try my hardest to not have it all together or appear as if I do, (who really does have it all together?) Please keep this process in your prayers if you would, I'm not really sure what to do with it yet. I believe that I'll be shown the next step once I need to know. God is so good! He can take a broken vessel and use it for His glory.
So if I seem distant and you haven't heard from me in a while, it's because I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure how to communicate these feelings yet. I feel a lot more comfortable writing them down and having you read then me have to reach out and tell. This is another thing I'm working on. It's ok to ask for help sometimes it's the only way to freedom. When I thought of getting married I thought it was 2 people living together, making a life, but still being two separate people.
But God sees marriage so much deeper. He desires that two become one flesh. This means everything the spouse has is yours and vise versa. I'm also learning what this really means. With a spouse comes the family. For someone to be thrown into family it can get a bit scary but I know if God placed me where I am he has a purpose who knows it might be just to learn more dependence he brought me where he did. I will never really know or understand this side of eternity but it wasn't random or by accident.
Where you are is not an accident, where you've been is not an accident it's all apart of God's plan for your life! Even the crazy moments that make it hard for me to trust God why he placed me where he did are not a mistake. So when I'm struggling to find the words I know that this too shall pass. God has revealed this truth to me over and over again. I believe it's in our biggest struggles that we find beautiful fellowship with our loving Father. Though we can't always understand his ways His ways are always the best ways.
Love you with all my heart
Tina Martina Putney
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