Is the physical world or spiritual world more real to you? For me it has always been the spiritual world. This may be triggering or frightening and this is not my intention at all. My hope is that you learn how to honor a mental health survivor and their battle! Take a trip with me into my mind for a day. Let me show you what I go through in hopes you will come to see the real battle I face and have faced all of my life!
First you need to know that you can't help or cure me! My mental health is all in my mind! Every hallucination is in my mind but it is so powerful that it seems to manifest in the physical world! Let me share some stories with you. When I was growing up in Greenfield one night I was sitting in my kitchen in the dark (not sure why?) and I saw a very awful looking dark spirit or figure climb out of my basement and looked straight at me with a mocking smile. It was as if he was trying to say I want you to live in fear of going to your basement alone. And that was the exact result. I needed to turn the lights on every room of my house before I would ever go in a hallway or bathroom or the kitchen and especially the basement! You see that figure was mentally there but it was so powerful it was if I saw him in my home. To say I was frightened is a true understatement!! I lived terrified of the dark and in some ways still am. Here's a more recent hallucination.
Last night I was washing dishes and my wonderful hubby was trying to say something to me in the kitchen. Before he came to speak though I saw a black figure and then all of a sudden Zechariah spoke and I jumped so high and so quick that I stopped washing dishes all together and just took a few really deep breaths. You see I know it was my hubby behind me the whole time but in the state I have been in and with my new diagnosis it was as if I was being attacked by a spirit! I just got diagnosed with manic depression this week. Part if this illness symptom are hallucinations. Think it's safe to say I fit the criteria. So why do I share this?
I want to show you what mental health looks like for me. I want you to understand that you can see me one day really really excited and then I'll crash big time! You can hear my voice traveling a mile a minute and the next time I say no more then two words. Before I enter a new environment the first thing I have to do is look around and scope out the place. I do this every time I work. I walk in the doors and look around the store to gauge how busy it is and what my most likely task will be. I can't just clock in and be told what to do I have to scan the store and see how busy it is to know where I'll be most helpful. It's just what I have to do. It may not make sense but to me if I don't know what to expect I get pulled back into depression and anxiety really really fast! I also see a lot of visions. It's the most clear way God speaks to me.
This morning while washing left over dishes I saw a dam and Jesus was pushing hard back the water that were threatening to break it. The water is Satan's lies. He is vicious and will not sleep. Probably why I have had such a terrible time getting to sleep most of my life is because I have always feared a spirit or Satan himself to manifest in my home and attack me. I can't really watch exorcism movies and can't see the demons face because I will not be able to let go of that image easily! This part is PTSD but the hallucinations is all manic depression. I just found out about it this week! Who knows how long I have dealt with both of these illnesses. The truth shall set you free! So as I uncovered the diagnosis and have gotten back on sleep medicine I know attacks are going to be constant, triggers are going to flare, hubby and I will be at odds end, the kiddos will be stressful. Satan is a vicious foe that plots constantly how to kill steal and destroy. Do you want to hear something incredible?? Remember my vision about the dam? Who was holding back the lies? That's right! Jesus! Jesus has always been there holding back the dam, calming the storm, plucking out the lies, sitting on the rock, dancing with me in worship, in my kiddos laugh, in my hubby's smile!
As vicious of a foe Satan is he is also a defeated one! I can't wait to see what Jesus is calling us to and the fight be over for my mental health but for now I will go to the one that holds back the dam!
Have I honored the mental health survivor's story? Have I given you a glimpse into my mind? Have I explained how manic depression affects me? Have I told you also who holds back the dam? Jesus only Jesus friends!!!
I love you with all of my heart!
Instead of saying I will pray with this blog post I will actually do it!!
Daddy,
I love you too! We are forever grateful for your presence and guidance in our lives! We thank you that you hold back the dam and storms of our lives! We love your presence God! We love worshiping in your temple! We love to see your radiant face and are encouraged by your word! Protect our families Lord may they feel you embrace them even now! Keep us all seeking after you first and your righteousness! Grant us safe passing into your kingdom Jesus! Thank you for reconciling us to the Father!! In Jesus name Amen!
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