Visions and Restoration

So this post is about restoration...

It started with a book Zechariah is reading and started telling me what he was reading in it. At first I thought it was just a book for him and we'd be able to share what he got out out of it. Then he started talking about the mountain and how hard of a journey the character Much- Afraid has to get to the high places. Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and my ears were wide open. This is often times what I felt about my journey.

In the book "Hinds' Feet on High Places" Much- Afraid is accompanied with sorrow and suffering through much of her journey to the high places. On her way she is also able to speak with the Good Shepherd who is an allegory of Jesus. What struck me this morning was when they talked about Much-Afraid going though the low place to get to the high places being the mountain. Originally I intended to share visions God has given me to relate but after listening to a sermon from Valleybrook Church about a love that restores I knew the meaning was much more!

In order for Much- Afraid to get to the high places she had to pass through the low places first. In my life I had to climb over the mountain of abuse and pass by the sea of loneliness. My story is marked with abuse and loneliness. In order to get to where I am now I had to go through the rough stuff first. The physical wounds heal a lot faster then the emotional wounds left on an abused heart. There's the potential for this to backfire on me as I write this by negative feedback made by my dad but my intent is only to share a part of my journey with you. 

When Zechariah was describing Much-Afraid's journey the vision I immediately saw was a maze and myself trying desperately to try to find the way out. That maze was my story. I always thought I was getting somewhere only to discover I hit another dead end. After sometime hitting dead ends I just about gave up fighting my way out until one day I saw a white light lighting my path. I took one look back at the maze and walked toward the light. I believe that maze represents my life without Christ. It also represents me without knowing the love that is in Jesus Christ. I'm not even sure what I looked like back then now but I can't imagine it was pretty. I know I was angry almost all of the time, I know I was desperate to do things on my own, I know I relied on my own understanding and called that "good enough." That all changed when I saw the light.

I'm going to be transparent and say that it took me until about last year to learn who I am, who's I am, and most importantly my purpose. Life is so much different now! I still am in a maze but this time with no dead ends and God is right there with me guiding me through every step of the way!! I couldn't imagine life without him!! Being in the low places of my life has really helped me to appreciate the high places he has me moving towards now!

Back to the light in the maze for a brief moment. When I saw that light I finally felt I had a sense of direction. I finally could see the path laid out for me. I'm going to equate this too the decision I had to make back in 2012. In the moment I finally agreed with God's plan did I feel a goodness to me. Before then I always saw and thought the worst about myself. I mean really bad thoughts I wouldn't really even accept someone complimenting me and definitely not seeing me. I was ok being invisible and to just fade into the background. Yeah I acted did some plays and forensics in school but I never felt my worth in any of it. I didn't really see what I contributed to anything I did.

It was when I discovered who's I was that I started to understand. He doesn't see me the way I've always seen myself! He sees me as a daughter and a princess and calls me Nala! God is my restorer! He took me as I was and made something beautiful come out. He's still shaping me still molding me but always gently and lovingly showing me who he is and how much he loves me. I understand now that the journey I took I had to in order to be where he wanted me to be for the people I was supposed to know and love now.

The sea of loneliness leads me to share another vision. One day at NCU during chapel I was worshiping and all of a sudden my feet felt cold and I opened my eyes but God told me to close them. I did and that cold feeling came back only this time I saw it was water. I asked God what that water was and he told me the "River of Life." I felt it rush through my whole body and I never felt so much peace! It was so real but supernatural all at the same time! I no longer have to be alone. God has filled me with his living water! Being his daughter is such a priveledge and honor but not I'm not just walking with God for me but for Nathan.

Babies are tough work any parent will tell you that. Especially when they're wailing while feeding its tough to keep it together. That moment happened today. I just wanted to be left alone and unstress so I had Zechariah take Nathan for a bit. He laid him down for a nap and we ate lunch. While we were eating lunch we were listening to the sermon. When I heard Pastor Doug preach about a love that restores immediately I saw Nathan when he was first born and his beautiful blue eyes looking at me. I settled just like that knowing no matter what God would always restore my love for him. I love my boy so much I can't even begin to explain it but I know there will be times I'll need God to restore that in me. I'm so happy that we have a God that loves us so much to restore us, restore our love for him and others he brings into our lives!

A song by Carrie Underwood that I feel applies here is "Starts with goodbye" She talks about letting go of some things she's loved to get to the other side. That's what we all have to do at one point or another in our lives. We have to let go of situations, places, sometimes people that are holding us back from God's best. The reward however is so much greater knowing you're following the desire of God's will for you. I know the road to my high places will be challenging and that's how it's meant to be however I also know that focusing on the right direction for me Jesus's face is all I need to keep going and win the race set before me. I pray the same for you! I pray you can overcome the mountains in your life! I pray we together can see our restored selves and embrace them as Jesus so quickly wishes to!! Let's take these mountains on together!

All my love
Tina Martina Putney